Saturday, August 4, 2012

Ya gotta love the Olympics

[Four years ago, I wrote a post very similar to this one at the close of the Beijing Olympics. A few details required updating, but it still -- just like the contestants in the track and field events in London that everyone is so caught up with at the moment -- has legs. Enjoy! --RWP]

The Olympics will soon be over, the CLXXXth Olympiad of 2612 will fade into history, and we will all be able to return to our busy lives until the CLXXXIst Olympiad takes place just four short years from now in the year 2616. It is mind-boggling to realize that these games have been held for 716 years, ever since the first one was held in Beijing, China, back in 1896. Rumors of even earlier games that were held for a thousand years in an ancient country called Gris persist, but have never been verified.

Many of the competitions from the first hundred years or so of the modern games have fallen by the wayside, of course, especially since physical contact sports were outlawed by Our Great Leaders in 2392 in favor of more cerebral and artistic pursuits. You may also recall that feats of individual strength and endurance were dropped almost a hundred years later in 2488 because of objections raised by the Comprehensive Report of the Joint Commission of the International Alliance of the Weak and the Worldwide Congress of Losers, Simpletons, and Cowardly Persons.

We congratulate the latest stars in the Olympic heavens:

1. Auk Dingo of Tasmania, who won a coveted Tin Medal for Uninterrupted Navel Gazing. Auk established a new record of 83 hours, 17 minutes by outlasting the second-place finisher and winner of the Recyclable Plastic Medal, the formidable Ludmilla Ubetchurlifwithgrouchomarxova from the Georgian-Tibetan-Andorran Federation, the newest member of the Neo-Sino-Soviet bloc, who had held the old record of 83 hours, 16 minutes.

2. Miguelo Felpi of tiny Nord Amerik, who won an unprecedented 73 medals at the games. Miguelo, who handily swept past all other competitors in every Dumpster Diving event, told this reporter that his inspiration came from having learned that one of his remote ancestors had once achieved a measure of success in something called “swimming.”

3. Pinchuk Quadrilahmagong of the Gulag Archipelago, who cleaned the floor, toilets, and urinals of the Olympic Stadium’s Platinum Level’s men’s room using only a toothbrush, a box of paper towels, and sheer determination, thereby winning for himself not only the admiration of thousands but also a handshake from Our Glorious Leader, who wore gloves for the occasion. Pinchuk was awarded the most sought-after prize of the games, the Rubber Ducky with Double Plunger Clusters. These games marked only the third time in Olympic history that spectators have been allowed to continue to use men’s toilets and urinals on the Platinum Level of the Olympic Stadium during the competition, giving them a sense of ownership and a level of participation in the games not seen heretofore.

And so we will soon be bidding a fond adieu, an adios, an au revoir, an auf wiedersehen, a sayonara, and, yes, even a ta-ta, mate to the games of the CLXXXth Olympiad, and waiting with ’bated breath for 2616, when, because of the rising sea levels and constantly shifting patterns of global climate change, the summer and winter games will be held simultaneously in Waterloo, Iowa, the largest city in what's left of Nord Amerik. Two new sports, Corn Detasseling and Cow Milking By Hand, will be added into the mix of fascinating events you can expect to be watching at the next games.

See you in four years in Waterloo.

[Editor’s note. For a real Olympic love story, read this article Tom Friend wrote about Al Joyner and Florence Griffith Joyner (Flo-Jo) in 2009. It’s a bit long but it’s worth reading.--RWP]


  1. Apart from the fact that I think 'Ta ta, mate', would be the correct cry, I enjoyed your flight of fancy :)
    'Bloke' is used in a different context, not as a pseudonym...

  2. Thanks, Jinksy, I'll make the change. You should know what they say in your own country, for Pete's sake.

  3. What fun that will be...Waterloo is just down the road from here! You made me think of that song, "In the Year 2525". I'm off to try and find it on YouTube....

  4. For a moment, I thought that Auk Dingo's medal was for naval gazing as he (she?) looked out on rubber ducky bobbing in the harbour, all that remains of the once mighty Nord Amerikan fleet.

  5. This reminds me of Will Self's "The Book of Dave" in which the world we are accustomed to gets buried in time.

  6. I'm very concerned about the box of paper towels that your contestants used. I insist that next time cloth towels are used in the interests of care for the environment.

  7. Jeannelle, you may not remember but you made almost the same comment four years ago.

    Parrots, navel vs. naval, hmmm.

    Yorkshire Pudding, I'm not familiar with the book but I'm going to try to find it.

    Katherine, don't worry, the "paper" of the 27th century is made from synthetic quartz. And just what is "cloth"?