Groaners

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak grew chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra....

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their children were nothing to look at either.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’ ” said the patient. “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome,” said the doctor. “Is it common?” asked the patient. The doctor replied, “Well, It’s Not Unusual.”

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. Daisy says, “It’s true, no bull!”

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

(My thanks go out to my old friend and work colleague, Tom H., on whose Facebook page every last one of these has appeared. --RWP)

Very punny

When I worked for a living, one of my bosses was a man named Horace Stone. When he neared retirement, I hoped he would convert to Catholicism and enter the priesthood. That way, he would have been a Horace of a different collar.

There’s nothing like a really good pun.

And that was nothing like a really good pun.

There was once an Indian chief named Shortcake. When he died, his wife refused to turn his body over to the local mortuary, saying, “No need for mortician. Squaw bury Shortcake.”

In Africa, the chief of a village lived in a hut made entirely of grass. Even the ceilings were made of grass. One day the people of his village presented him with a special chief’s throne they had made. He was very proud of it but afraid that an enemy might come along and steal it, so he asked the people to hoist his throne up in the air with a rope so that it could be kept in his attic. In the middle of the night, however, it fell through the bedroom ceiling and killed him as he slept. The moral of this story is clear: People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

Here’s one for the mathematicians. Another Indian chief (not Shortcake) had three wives. He gave one of them a buffalo hide, one of them a cowhide, and one of them a hippopotamus hide. Soon the first wife bore him twin sons. Later, the second wife also bore him twin sons. A few months after that, the chief’s third wife gave birth to four healthy boys -- quadruplets! It is obvious that the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Some people say a pun is the lowest form of wit. As you have probably guessed, I disagree.

But a bun is definitely the lowest form of wheat.

I got a million of ’em.