Monday, September 9, 2013

Groaners

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak grew chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra....

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their children were nothing to look at either.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’ ” said the patient. “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome,” said the doctor. “Is it common?” asked the patient. The doctor replied, “Well, It’s Not Unusual.”

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. Daisy says, “It’s true, no bull!”

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

(My thanks go out to my old friend and work colleague, Tom H., on whose Facebook page every last one of these has appeared. --RWP)

11 comments:

Carol In Cairns said...

:)

Elephant's Child said...

Oh dear.
Though my taste in humour is nothing to boast about.
One of my favourite jokes follows:
What is red and invisible?
Bloody nothing...

ADRIAN said...

This post gave me a laugh over my lunch. Many thanks.

Ruth Hull Chatlien said...

These jokes remind me of my brother.

I hope you've been well, Bob. I just stopped by to say I'm blogging again (in case you're interested). I have a historical novel being published in December, so I have a new blog about writing, history, and things connected with the events in my novel. You can find it here:

http://ruthhullchatlienbooks.com

Yorkshire Pudding said...

Haw! Haw! I have just spluttered tea all over the laptop screen! The best joke I ever made up was this-
What did the crab say to the greedy oyster?
"Don't be so shellfish!"
WARNING - This joke has copyright protection!

Carol In Cairns said...

Sir Robert,

I have noticed that you have not acknowledged any comments on your blog for 3 days now (I hate that word - it sound like I am writing a letter of complaint, and I am not). I am more concerned that you are in good health or good humour. I say that because you come across as one of the most genuine bloggers out there, and it is out of character for you not to comment. I suppose I like to read you comments to get the feeling that this is a bit of a conversation. But all that aside, I appreciate it is your blog and you do as you please. Really hope all is well. I do care about my few fellow bloggers as much as one can in blogland. That is the Mum in me.
P.S. I did leave a footnote on one of my posts a few days ago about Cliff's condition in hospital, not sure if it was too deeply hidden for you in one of the election posts I did. Wasn't sure whether to just email you and Mrs RWP, but decided to leave the footnote for others who had also asked for any updates.
P.P.S. I did not spill my lunch like Adrian and Yorky, mainly because it is not lunch time here. But I do like good Dad humour. My Dad used to try some very funny jokes when we were kids that would generally leave us groaning.
Nite Nite now :)

Putz said...

they are all CORNY<><><>, much like the post creater, what can you expect thopugh<><>,.at least they were very clean

klahanie said...

Hey RWP,

Ah, this is just what I needed. I love stuff like this.

This lady asked me for an example of a double entendre. So I gave her one.

Ah and thanks to your buddy on 'Farcebook'! :)

Gary

rhymeswithplague said...

All, I'm sorry for my absence from the Comments Section recently. No reason really that I can put my finger on; just a bit overwhelmed by life and life's responsibilities these days and it caused me to put replying to my blogworld friends on the back burner.

The last thing in the world I want to do is to answer some and not others and, in the process, be thought rude by most everyone. I don't know what I'll be doing in the future -- probably be inconsistent -- but I do ask your indulgence until (or if) my mind gets straightened out.

My doctor increased the medication for my PHN (what comes after shingles) has been increased this week and I'm feeling a little loopy on top of everything else. Perhaps this is the beginning of the long downhill slide. I most certainly hope not.

Keep those comments coming, though. I do read them all and deeply appreciate every last one of them, even if I come a cropper at times in the responding department.

Carol In Cairns said...

RWP, sorry for the news that you have become loopy like the rest of us ~ we were counting on you to save the species.

Tell me to mind my own business next time ~ in fact I will tell myself!!

I hereby declare that EVERYONE is allowed to abstain from blogging and reading and commenting for a period of how ever long they need to deal with real life.

Signed, Lady Gap Year elect

P.S. At the start of the year I proposed to my son that I was going to write a blog about living without the Internet for a year. I think the idea still has legs. But he pointed out the obvious flaw in my idea :)

All Consuming said...

One of the reasons I'm glad to keep my followers to a compact bunch (not that there's no room for others, I just don't advertise), is the replying of all the comments which seems to be the polite thing to do. I would find it overhwelming if I had as many as Snow for example. Sporadic is fine with me, you can be a man of mystery eh? Hahaha. Your jokes and puns were duly groaned at, so it's only fair you have back atchya -

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' , who has stabbed six people in the bum in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

I'm on loopy pills too so you're in good company. May the goraning long continue *smiles.