STOP THE PRESSES!! I'm not normal

Vice President Pence and his Coronavirus Task Force (CTF or CVTF, take your pick) have been appearing daily on the telly to remind us to cover our mouths when we cough (or to cough into our elbows); to use a tissue when we sneeze (and then throw it away); and to wash, wash, wash our hands (with SOAP and WATER for AT LEAST 20 SECONDS). They also give us updates on the number of new cases of COVID-19 and the number of deaths due to it. I'm certainly glad to get the reminders, because without them I would cough into my ankle, keep and probably frame all the used tissues, and wash my hands with prune juice for hours on end.

I'm kidding. I usually wash my hands with orange juice.

Don't get me wrong. I do appreciate the efforts of the powers that be to give us accurate information and prevent panic among the public unless it is warranted, which they keep assuring us it isn't. But the members of the media seem hell-bent on making all 350 million of us run out to buy toilet paper, bread, milk, face masks -- you know, the basic necessities of life. But when one of the chief cooks and bottle washers doctors, an otherwise very nice 60-ish man sporting a beard and wearing glasses and possessing a couple of advanced degrees, was asked by a reporter yesterday to identify the groups really at risk, he said something that really got my goat, got my dander up, ticked me off big-time, and made me rather angry, actually.

I wish I could quote him exactly but I'm going to have to paraphrase. There are two groups who will be most affected by COVID-19, he said, young children whose immune defense systems have not yet been fully developed and the elderly, especially if they are infirm or have serious health issues already involving the heart or lungs. He defined elderly as 80 or older. I'm okay with that. Then he said, "Normal people like you and me don't have to worry" or “don’t need to be concerned” or something not only inane but downright insulting.

We are a two-person household. One of us is 84 and the other will be 79 in a couple of weeks. The one who will be 79 is the one with existing health issues, specifically coronary artery disease and the current possessor of five stents. The one who is 84 has had two artificial knees made of titanium for 13 years now, which fact allows us to have a tag to hang from the car's rear-view mirror that permits us to park in handicapped parking spaces, but that is different in my book from being infirm.

I'm okay with being called elderly. I'm okay with having health issues. They eventually happen to many of us, even 60-ish doctors who sport beards and have advanced degrees.

What I'm not okay with -- actually I resent -- is being told I am not normal.

I'm normal. I wash my hands with soap and water every day without being told to and I have not framed a used tissue for quite some time.

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like George Clooney. He just gets to do it more often than I do.

I used to use Burt Reynolds in that joke, but since he died he doesn't put on pants any more.

If you prefer to say Leonardo DiCaprio or Kanye West or even Mayor Pete Buttigieg, feel free.

We normal people have to stick together.

Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden need not apply.