She may grow up to be the Queen of Femininity

This year’s Miss America Pageant, held last Saturday night in Las Vegas and carried live on ABC-TV, was so bad that this contestant not only won the talent portion of the competition but was also named Miss Congeniality.

I’m kidding, I’m kidding. That was actually Bette Davis singing “I’ve Written A Letter To Daddy” from the iconic film Whatever Happened To Baby Jane? and I wonder, what is it about a film that makes people call it iconic? Joan Crawford was the first runner-up and won the wheelchair races hands down easily. Oops, no, sorry, I’m thinking of the Paralympic Games. Maybe the actresses were iconic and the movie was only a travesty.

For the record, I do think Miss Arkansas, a yodeling ventriloquist, was robbed. And since we’re asking questions (well, I was), what kind of stupid moron producer instructs the camera operator to take a close-up of THE MOUTHS OF THE DUMMIES? (and yes, I am shouting at this point.)

You should watch the final couple of minutes of the program just to hear Bert Parks sing “There She Is, Miss America!”

I’m pretty sure his song was pre-recorded, as Bert died in 1992. That may be why he mentions Atlantic City, which is in New Jersey, when the pageant has been held for several years now in Las Vegas, which is in Nevada. And setting aside the question of talent (Miss Nebraska's was so bad I’m not even going to torture you with it), do you see what I mean about Miss Arkansas?

I knew it was going to be a long night when the male host was from ABC’s The Bachelor, the female host (hostess?) was from ABC’s Dancing With The Stars, and one of the judges was Joy Behar from ABC’s The View.

As they used to say down in Texas, beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.