Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak grew chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra....
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their children were nothing to look at either.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”
“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’ ” said the patient. “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome,” said the doctor. “Is it common?” asked the patient. The doctor replied, “Well, It’s Not Unusual.”
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. Daisy says, “It’s true, no bull!”
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
(My thanks go out to my old friend and work colleague, Tom H., on whose Facebook page every last one of these has appeared. --RWP)
Monday, September 9, 2013
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Is it my imagination or...
does this:
remind you of this?
Oh, good! Then I’m not crazy!
Well, okay, I might be crazy, but that’s a subject for another day....
Update, 7:30 a.m. EDT: Elephant’s Child in Canberra says it is my imagination. Okay, then, does it remind you of this?
Yes? No? That is Lisa Simpson from The Simpsons. It should be duly noted, however, that Lisa’s mother, Marge:
definitely resembles the Leaning Tower of Pisa:
P.S. - Your free trivia factoid for today is that the voice of Marge Simpson on The Simpsons is provided by actress Julie Kavner, who played the role of Rhoda Morgenstern’s younger sister, Brenda, on Rhoda starring Valerie Harper, which was a spinoff from The Mary Tyler More Show (as was Phyllis starring Cloris Leachman). I didn’t have to look today’s free trivia factoid up. I knew it already.
remind you of this?
Oh, good! Then I’m not crazy!
Well, okay, I might be crazy, but that’s a subject for another day....
Update, 7:30 a.m. EDT: Elephant’s Child in Canberra says it is my imagination. Okay, then, does it remind you of this?
Yes? No? That is Lisa Simpson from The Simpsons. It should be duly noted, however, that Lisa’s mother, Marge:
definitely resembles the Leaning Tower of Pisa:
P.S. - Your free trivia factoid for today is that the voice of Marge Simpson on The Simpsons is provided by actress Julie Kavner, who played the role of Rhoda Morgenstern’s younger sister, Brenda, on Rhoda starring Valerie Harper, which was a spinoff from The Mary Tyler More Show (as was Phyllis starring Cloris Leachman). I didn’t have to look today’s free trivia factoid up. I knew it already.
Friday, September 6, 2013
September thoughts
It’s a long, long way from May to December.
John Donne may have said in 1624 that no man is an island, but I have come to the conclusion that many people are definitely peninsulas. They try to cut themselves off from the rest of the world, and there is not a dadblamed thing the rest of the world can do about it.
We are all interconnected (especially if you are a United Methodist), but sometimes it feels like just barely. Sometimes the connectedness feels very intrusive. And sometimes it is very welcome.
We are peculiar creatures.
We have private thoughts that we don’t want to share with anybody, and private fears that we (in the words of John Keats) may cease to be, and private demons that come to us in the dark of night.
Thank God for Jesus.
I don’t know what this post means, but I’m going to post it anyway.
Maybe someone out there will explain it to me.
John Donne may have said in 1624 that no man is an island, but I have come to the conclusion that many people are definitely peninsulas. They try to cut themselves off from the rest of the world, and there is not a dadblamed thing the rest of the world can do about it.
We are all interconnected (especially if you are a United Methodist), but sometimes it feels like just barely. Sometimes the connectedness feels very intrusive. And sometimes it is very welcome.
We are peculiar creatures.
We have private thoughts that we don’t want to share with anybody, and private fears that we (in the words of John Keats) may cease to be, and private demons that come to us in the dark of night.
Thank God for Jesus.
I don’t know what this post means, but I’m going to post it anyway.
Maybe someone out there will explain it to me.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
I think I felt the earth move
In my last post I showed you a graph from Feedjit that showed that page views of my blog doubled on the day I published a post about Little House on the Prairie. I opined as to how maybe I should write more posts about a certain G-rated, family-friendly television program of yesteryear.
In a comment, reader Carol in Cairns (that’s in Far North Queensland, you know -- oh, you didn’t? well, now you do) pointed out something that should have been obvious if I had done a little checking: “RWP, you did not mention that your previous two posts were about politics and religion ... two conversational taboo topics. I reckon if you go for the third taboo topic you will outdo your LH statistics.”
Well, I hate to disappoint, but I am not going to write about sex.
What I am going to do is write about religion again, because a little bird told me that in certain circles two posts on religion can be substituted for one on sex.
All right, then, let’s begin.
First, this evening at sundown Rosh Hashana (the Jewish New Year) begins, 1 Tishrei 5774. I just know that I’ll still be writing 5773 on my checks for a few more days. (Laugh it up, folks -- these are the jokes.)
Accordingly, here’s an article from the Huffington Post that explains more about Rosh Hashana and also includes a photographic slide-show of no less than fourteen (14) traditional foods eaten at Jewish New Year.
For Jews, Rosh Hashana begins the Days of Awe, a 10-day period of reflection that ends on Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.
For most Christians and all atheists, it’s just another day in September, and they’ll be eating Big Macs and french fries as usual.
Second, here’s a fascinating article by a former minister that tells you eleven things you might not understand about your minister. A war of sorts erupted in the article’s comments section. The article is a good read even if you (a) don’t have a minister and (b) don’t want one.
If I smoked, I would light up a cigarette now.
Was it as good for you as it was for me?
In a comment, reader Carol in Cairns (that’s in Far North Queensland, you know -- oh, you didn’t? well, now you do) pointed out something that should have been obvious if I had done a little checking: “RWP, you did not mention that your previous two posts were about politics and religion ... two conversational taboo topics. I reckon if you go for the third taboo topic you will outdo your LH statistics.”
Well, I hate to disappoint, but I am not going to write about sex.
What I am going to do is write about religion again, because a little bird told me that in certain circles two posts on religion can be substituted for one on sex.
All right, then, let’s begin.
First, this evening at sundown Rosh Hashana (the Jewish New Year) begins, 1 Tishrei 5774. I just know that I’ll still be writing 5773 on my checks for a few more days. (Laugh it up, folks -- these are the jokes.)
Accordingly, here’s an article from the Huffington Post that explains more about Rosh Hashana and also includes a photographic slide-show of no less than fourteen (14) traditional foods eaten at Jewish New Year.
For Jews, Rosh Hashana begins the Days of Awe, a 10-day period of reflection that ends on Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.
For most Christians and all atheists, it’s just another day in September, and they’ll be eating Big Macs and french fries as usual.
Second, here’s a fascinating article by a former minister that tells you eleven things you might not understand about your minister. A war of sorts erupted in the article’s comments section. The article is a good read even if you (a) don’t have a minister and (b) don’t want one.
If I smoked, I would light up a cigarette now.
Was it as good for you as it was for me?
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Double your pleasure, double your fun
A Feedjit day is different from an ordinary day. An ordinary day begins at 12:00:01 a.m. and doesn’t end until the little hand makes two complete revolutions and the final seconds tick off: 11:59:58 p.m., 11:59:59 p.m., 12:00 midnight [Note to youngsters. Revolutions and hands are words that used to be identified with clocks before digital clocks were invented way back before you were even born. --RWP].
A Feedjit day starts around 8 or 9 p.m. where I live and lasts 24 hours until the same time tomorrow night. This strange way of doing things explains why Feedjit’s little charts of page views always appear to be a day off.
Anyway, you can imagine my excitement when I discovered that my blog’s page views per dayskyrocketed took a quantum leap forward suddenly doubled on the Feedjit day that began shortly after I published the post about Laura Ingalls Wilder on the evening of September 1st and was called September 1st even though it lasted until the evening of September 2nd. Here’s the chart:
And although the page views declined a bit on September 2nd (which ended just a little while ago on the evening of September 3rd), they were still well above what their levels were before I mentioned Laura Ingalls Wilder:
I’m mighty pleased with this turn of events, and it’s all due toyou wonderful people out there in the dark my readers. I mean, it’s completely beyond my control, of course. Or maybe not. Perhaps I should write more posts about a certain G-rated, family-friendly television program of yesteryear that featured child actors Melissa Gilbert and Melissa Sue Anderson, who played you-know-who and you-know-who’s sister Mary, respectively.
In fact, I’m so happy I feel like chewing a stick of gum.
A Feedjit day starts around 8 or 9 p.m. where I live and lasts 24 hours until the same time tomorrow night. This strange way of doing things explains why Feedjit’s little charts of page views always appear to be a day off.
Anyway, you can imagine my excitement when I discovered that my blog’s page views per day
And although the page views declined a bit on September 2nd (which ended just a little while ago on the evening of September 3rd), they were still well above what their levels were before I mentioned Laura Ingalls Wilder:
I’m mighty pleased with this turn of events, and it’s all due to
In fact, I’m so happy I feel like chewing a stick of gum.
Incredible entrepreneurial opportunity for the right person! Act now while there’s still time!
Yesterday I received an email in Russian. Whenever that happens, I always copy it into Google Translate, which provides me with two things: a transliteration of the Cyrillic characters and an English translation. When I found out what I had been sent, I couldn’t wait to show it to you.
1. Russian email:
Subject: Подвал на Майдане Незалежности от владельца!
Подвал на Майдане Незалежности от владельца!
ул. Софиевская 16/16
86 м.кв.
2 мин. пешком до м .Майдан Незалежности
Универсальность использования помещения - помещение идеально подходит под магазин одежды, салон красоты,страховую компанию, коллекторскую компанию, службы доставки, салон массажа или же просто выгодно сдавать в аренду под офис.
Пожарная + охранная сигнализация,проточная вентиляция, кондиционеры, интернет, телефоны, видеонаблюдение
Цена 110 000 $
возможна продажа в кредит
(end of Russian email)
2, Transliteration of the Cyrillic characters:
Subject: Podval na Maydane Nezalezhnosti ot vladel'tsa!
Podval na Maydane Nezalezhnosti ot vladel'tsa!
ul. Sofiyevskaya 16/16
86 m.kv.
2 min. peshkom do m .Maydan Nezalezhnosti
ispol'zovaniya pomeshcheniya- pomeshcheniye ideal'no podkhodit pod magazin odezhdy, salon krasoty, strakhovuyu kompaniyu, kollektorskuyu kompaniyu, sluzhby dostavki, salon massazha ili zhe prosto vygodno sdavat' v arendu pod ofis. Pozharnaya
+ okhrannaya signalizatsiya, protochnaya ventilyatsiya, konditsionery, internet, telefony, videonablyudeniye
Tsena 110 000 $
vozmozhna prodazha v kredit
(end of transliteration of the Cyrillic characters)
3. English translation:
Subject: Basement at the Independence Square from the owner!
Basement at the Independence Square from the owner!
Str. Sophia 16/16
86 sq.m.
2 min. walk to the m. Maydan Nezalezhnosti
Universal use space - space is ideal for shop clothing, beauty salon, an insurance company, collection companies, services delivery, massage parlor, or just to rent out an office.
+ Fire alarm system, flow ventilation, air conditioning, internet access, phones, video surveillance
Price $110,000
Available For Loan
(end of English translation)
So any of you who have always wanted a basement at Independence Square, a 2-minute walk to the m. Maydan Nezalezhnosti, for a mere $110,000 American, all you have to do is contact somebody named iceman_7713@hotmail.com (email address kauabonga@msn.com).
A word to the wise: “Cowabunga” is what Chief Thunderthud used to say on The Howdy Doody Show to Buffalo Bob Smith, or maybe it was to Princess Summerfallwinterspring, even though dictionary.com says it is “a yell of exhilaration, mainly used by surfers.” You just can’t trust anybody any more. Consider yourself warned.
1. Russian email:
Subject: Подвал на Майдане Незалежности от владельца!
Подвал на Майдане Незалежности от владельца!
ул. Софиевская 16/16
86 м.кв.
2 мин. пешком до м .Майдан Незалежности
Универсальность использования помещения - помещение идеально подходит под магазин одежды, салон красоты,страховую компанию, коллекторскую компанию, службы доставки, салон массажа или же просто выгодно сдавать в аренду под офис.
Пожарная + охранная сигнализация,проточная вентиляция, кондиционеры, интернет, телефоны, видеонаблюдение
Цена 110 000 $
возможна продажа в кредит
(end of Russian email)
2, Transliteration of the Cyrillic characters:
Subject: Podval na Maydane Nezalezhnosti ot vladel'tsa!
Podval na Maydane Nezalezhnosti ot vladel'tsa!
ul. Sofiyevskaya 16/16
86 m.kv.
2 min. peshkom do m .Maydan Nezalezhnosti
ispol'zovaniya pomeshcheniya- pomeshcheniye ideal'no podkhodit pod magazin odezhdy, salon krasoty, strakhovuyu kompaniyu, kollektorskuyu kompaniyu, sluzhby dostavki, salon massazha ili zhe prosto vygodno sdavat' v arendu pod ofis. Pozharnaya
+ okhrannaya signalizatsiya, protochnaya ventilyatsiya, konditsionery, internet, telefony, videonablyudeniye
Tsena 110 000 $
vozmozhna prodazha v kredit
(end of transliteration of the Cyrillic characters)
3. English translation:
Subject: Basement at the Independence Square from the owner!
Basement at the Independence Square from the owner!
Str. Sophia 16/16
86 sq.m.
2 min. walk to the m. Maydan Nezalezhnosti
Universal use space - space is ideal for shop clothing, beauty salon, an insurance company, collection companies, services delivery, massage parlor, or just to rent out an office.
+ Fire alarm system, flow ventilation, air conditioning, internet access, phones, video surveillance
Price $110,000
Available For Loan
(end of English translation)
So any of you who have always wanted a basement at Independence Square, a 2-minute walk to the m. Maydan Nezalezhnosti, for a mere $110,000 American, all you have to do is contact somebody named iceman_7713@hotmail.com (email address kauabonga@msn.com).
A word to the wise: “Cowabunga” is what Chief Thunderthud used to say on The Howdy Doody Show to Buffalo Bob Smith, or maybe it was to Princess Summerfallwinterspring, even though dictionary.com says it is “a yell of exhilaration, mainly used by surfers.” You just can’t trust anybody any more. Consider yourself warned.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Maybe Nellie Oleson was really a sweet girl
My cyberfriend Frances Garrood over there in Jolly Olde Englande has indicated in a post that she is is outraged over...well, here, just read it for yourself:
“I’m Outraged” by Frances Garrood.
I left the following comment (more or less; I have expanded it a little for this post) :
I know just how you feel, but with me it’s Little House on the Prairie. Mrs. RWP and I have been watching reruns of it every evening for several months now, just before reruns of The Waltons.
I know. It’s sad, isn’t it?
This week I decided to look online for some information about the real Laura Ingalls Wilder and Charles and Caroline and Mary and Almanzo and discovered that their names may have been used in the series but not much else in it is true. I am outraged, just like Frances. The last time this happened was when Mrs. RWP and I saw the film made of John Gresham’s book The Firm and the whole second half of the film had Tom Cruise running around Memphis, Tennessee, instead of fleeing all the way to Florida one step ahead of the bad guys, and it was filled with F-bombs galore when not one curse word appeared in Gresham’s book. I understand about literary license and all that, but I prefer that films at least try to resemble the original works. To Kill A Mockingbird did a good job of that, in my opinion.
Even in Zefferelli’s Romeo and Juliet (which Frances mentioned in her post), Romeo said, “But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?” but DID NOT THEN SAY, “It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.” No, he didn’t. The film may have “stuck faithfully to the original words” but it inexplicably left out a few I was expecting.
That’s the real Charles and Caroline Ingalls in that photo. He doesn’t remind me in the least of Michael Landon.
And here’s the real Mary Ingalls:
She doesn’t look a thing like Melissa Sue Anderson. And although she did attend the Iowa Braille and Sight Saving School in Vinton, Iowa, between 1881 and 1889 and graduated, there is no evidence whatever that she ever married a blind teacher named Adam. She returned home and lived with her parents until their deaths, and then with her younger sister Carrie, and then with her even younger sister Grace. At least they got the names right. Wikipedia reports that Mary was able to contribute to the family income by making fly nets for horses.
And the annual Laura Ingalls Wilder pageant that has been held annually since 1971? Is it held in Walnut Grove, Minnesota?
No, it is not.
DeSmet, South Dakota.
I simply can’t go on.
The rant is ended. Long live the rant.
“I’m Outraged” by Frances Garrood.
I left the following comment (more or less; I have expanded it a little for this post) :
I know just how you feel, but with me it’s Little House on the Prairie. Mrs. RWP and I have been watching reruns of it every evening for several months now, just before reruns of The Waltons.
I know. It’s sad, isn’t it?
This week I decided to look online for some information about the real Laura Ingalls Wilder and Charles and Caroline and Mary and Almanzo and discovered that their names may have been used in the series but not much else in it is true. I am outraged, just like Frances. The last time this happened was when Mrs. RWP and I saw the film made of John Gresham’s book The Firm and the whole second half of the film had Tom Cruise running around Memphis, Tennessee, instead of fleeing all the way to Florida one step ahead of the bad guys, and it was filled with F-bombs galore when not one curse word appeared in Gresham’s book. I understand about literary license and all that, but I prefer that films at least try to resemble the original works. To Kill A Mockingbird did a good job of that, in my opinion.
Even in Zefferelli’s Romeo and Juliet (which Frances mentioned in her post), Romeo said, “But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?” but DID NOT THEN SAY, “It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.” No, he didn’t. The film may have “stuck faithfully to the original words” but it inexplicably left out a few I was expecting.
That’s the real Charles and Caroline Ingalls in that photo. He doesn’t remind me in the least of Michael Landon.
And here’s the real Mary Ingalls:
She doesn’t look a thing like Melissa Sue Anderson. And although she did attend the Iowa Braille and Sight Saving School in Vinton, Iowa, between 1881 and 1889 and graduated, there is no evidence whatever that she ever married a blind teacher named Adam. She returned home and lived with her parents until their deaths, and then with her younger sister Carrie, and then with her even younger sister Grace. At least they got the names right. Wikipedia reports that Mary was able to contribute to the family income by making fly nets for horses.
And the annual Laura Ingalls Wilder pageant that has been held annually since 1971? Is it held in Walnut Grove, Minnesota?
No, it is not.
DeSmet, South Dakota.
I simply can’t go on.
The rant is ended. Long live the rant.
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