Tuesday, April 28, 2009

How now, brown cow?


I stole borrowed this list from Tracie, who lives down in Florida and blogs under a name too horrible to repeat. She freely admitted that she did not write the piece and didn’t know where she picked it up, but it was too good to keep to herself. So, in a manner of speaking, if you squint your eyes and hold your tongue at just the proper angle, you might say I received permission from her to use it.

As far as I know, the list isn’t copyrighted. But if it is and somebody lets me know, I will remove the post.

Also, as far as I know, the list is meant to be fun. It isn’t intended to offend anyone. If anyone is offended, I may remove the post and then again I may not. If enough people are offended, I will take the matter under advisement.

In the meantime, enjoy.


THE WORLD EXPLAINED


COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes one of them and gives it to your work-shy neighbor.
They laugh in your face.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for the five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheets are provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, block the roads and set fire to cars, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called “Cowkimon” and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows.
None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No one believes you, so they bomb you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office for the day and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

THE BRITISH LABOUR GOVERNMENT
You have two cows, milked by the cow tsar.
One is black and one is white to ensure racial diversity, the black one fancies the white one thus ensuring we have suitable variation in sexual orientation.

AN ULSTER CORPORATION
You have two cows and pay protection for the milk.

A SCOTTISH CORPORATION
You have two cows (the hairy highland variety).
You dip one in chocolate, cover it in batter and deep fry it, just to see if it works.

A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They produce lots of milk for the people.
The State beats you up and steals your cows then gives them to someone who has no idea about looking after them.
The cows die and there is no milk.
It is all the fault of Britain and America.

THE BRITISH POLICE SERVICE
You have 2 cows.
You give them a selection of tasks, including making sure that no one is rude to any other cows for any reason, even if the cows haven’t complained. You ensure that they have the correct ethnic proportion of cows for all the fields in the country, notwithstanding that there are almost no minorities in this field. They are so busy doing these tasks that they have no time to be milked, so you buy some cheaper cows who don’t produce any milk but look as though they should, and you hope that because you can see these cows, everyone will think that there is an abundance of milk.
To fund this, you feed the real cows less so they couldn’t produce any milk even if they weren’t so busy doing non-milk producing activities.

(End of list)


It’s so simple even a child can understand.

8 comments:

Jeannelle said...

Chuckle, chuckle. Someone has cleverly added much to this list since the last time I saw it. It ended at Nazism when it was taped to my refrigerator.

Italy sounds like the place to be.

Jeannelle said...

After reading this, I went outdoors to do some chores and got to thinking. Traditional dairy farming still exists in the U.S. because the government has been supporting the milk price for decades. Socialism at work, I guess. Otherwise, dairy farmers would not be able to survive in the business. We Americans expect cheap food in the grocery store and particularly for something as basic as milk products.

So perhaps that's where the auto industry is headed now, too.....to be kept alive by the federal government. Are cars as important as milk, I wonder?

Putz said...

i have read this before, except you have a longer list...how things can change for a person...you are going to be stuck with me for awhile longer....drats huh????my daughter karen asked[On my blog}, yes asked me to blog about places i have been that andria young, my granddaughter is visiting in july and my wife, yes her is encourageing me to do so as long as i am careful about what i say...go figure huh???

Rosezilla said...

"Thief," yells the horrible Rosezilla. But Tracie laughs and says OF COURSE you have (retroactive) permission. Anything I just find and pass along, I figure other people can go and do likewise. "Well," sniffs Rosezilla, "I suppose imitation IS the sincerest form of flattery." (I strongly suspect Tracie has a streak of Italian in her somewhere) :)

A Lady's Life said...

so funny lol

Katherine said...

Yes, I'm off to Italy where women are appreciated :-)
It's getting longer each time it goes around the world...

jay said...

Haha! Yes, I've seen this before and I love it. You can insult and offend so many people at once, it cannot be said to be aimed at anyone in particular! ROFL!

Carolina said...

Very funny and scaringly not far beside the truth.