Monday, March 28, 2011

What’s your sign?

Not your astrological sign, silly! That stuff is pure hokum! I’m talking about your “Southern” sign. Everybody has one, and it doesn’t necessarily correspond with your birthday.

I found the following list in an old folder and decided to share it with you. I have no idea who came up with it, but everyone deserves to be enlightened with the truth. You folks from the United Kingdom probably won’t understand, though. I recommend that you console yourselves with a generous helping of Bubble and Squeak.


Southern Signs

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20): Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19): Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he’s motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

[Editor’s note. I confess to being a lazy editor today. If this were my list, I would have said “his or her life” and “his or her influence” and “can make something of himself or herself” and “if he or she is motivated” in the last two paragraphs even though it would drive some of you crazy. But I’m letting it stay the way I received it. Fortunately (both for me and for you), the writer changed to second person starting with the next paragraph. --RWP]

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20): You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry about it.

[Editor’s note. You can tell I didn’t write this; I do know that a pronoun should agree with its antecedent in person and number. I would never say “nobody in their right mind.” I would say, well, you know. --RWP]

MOON PIE (Mar 21 - April 20): You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It’s a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It’s not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21): When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don’t-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won’t work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21): Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23): Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the “melting pot” of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won’t work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23): Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one’s whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23): Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23): You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best -- your friends and loved ones -- may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22): Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21): You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and trends. You’re not concerned with anything about today. You’re really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another mating possibility.

14 comments:

Pat - Arkansas said...

Supposedly, I am a "GRITS," and although the personality traits are incorrect (I think), the food preferences are spot on. I also like real grits under the gravy, butter, cheese, et cetera.

Bubble and Squeak were the names of two of my cats -- siblings. Sadly, Bubble has crossed the rainbow bridge but at age 11, Squeak is still with me. He finally learned to 'meow' after only squeaking for almost 5 years.

Putz said...

so i am a possum, under my pillow goes my head and i am dead to all that know me

Pat - Arkansas said...

P.S. I meant to add "are you sure Miss Ellie is in her right mind, Boll Weevil?" Just goes to prove than even Southern Signs can fall short of the mark (but not the part, I think, about overwhelming curiosity.)

Emma_ps said...

Apparently I am grits and it's true, I will happily go anywhere where they have cheese,gravy,bacon or eggs! I'm now also quite hungry!

Egghead said...

Oh I am Grits through and through. Give me some gravy any time and I am happy.

Glenda Manus said...

It looks like the grits are getting the most votes today - same here. But like Pat, the personality traits are a little off. Love your blog. I'm a Southern blogger also - and you can spot the sense of humor a mile away.

rhymeswithplague said...

Thanks, everyone, for commenting. We seem to have quite a few grits in the house!

Pat, at least you didn't name your cats Brains and Eggs.

Putz, so sorry to hear of your marsupial demise.

Pat redux, I'm pretty sure Miss Ellie is in her right mind. Then again, she has stayed with me for nearly 48 years.

Emma (who says "I am grits") and Egghead (who says "I am Grits"), I would just remind both of you that Pat says "I am a GRITS" and I think you should all put your heads together and decide how the rest of us should address you. Lowercase, initial cap, all caps, indefinite article, no indefinite article, gravy, butter, cheese, all of this decision-making is giving me a headache.

Glenda, welcome to the blog! I knew right off the bat you were a Southern blogger when I visited your blog and read about dogwoods and wisteria and stuff.

Katherine said...

Weird and wonderful. Thank you for this post. I love the refreshing honesty and directness about this version!

Loren Christie said...

What is a moon pie? I can't believe it, I've finally been labeled "crude" and that must mean I've become cool :)

rhymeswithplague said...

Loren, a moon pie is that ooey-gooey edible-looking thing in the picture at the bottom of the post! You have just demonstrated your essential "Yankeehood"!!!

A moon pie and an RC cola is what a Southerner calls "a balanced meal."

Carolina said...

I'm a crawfish and from now on shall hide in a corner with my unattractive looks and many heads ;-)

rhymeswithplague said...

Katherine (in New Zealand) and Carolina (in Nederland), please excuse my extremely poor manners in neglecting to answer your comments sooner. I deserve thirty lashes with a wet noodle, or at least a moon pie.

Katherine, I'm glad you liked this list. I was hoping someone would.

Carolina, please do not hide in a corner. Your looks are not unattractive and your many heads may actually attract new friends. If you ever get to New Orleans, you simply must try a dish called crawfish étouffée

Snowbrush said...

I'm a boll weevil, and it fits me. I'm also a Pisces, and that too fits me. You say that being a Pisces is hokum, but how can it be hokum if it's a perfect fit? My problem now seems to be that I have two signs to follow, one a fish and the other an insect, and I can but hope that they are never in contradiction, but if they are in contradiction, I will surely be able to find a way to explain the contradiction so that it isn't really a contradiction after all.

rhymeswithplague said...

Hey, Snow, good to hear from you even though it is almost two years after everyone else has visited this post. Maybe what I meant to say was especially since it is almost two years etc.