Thursday, September 29, 2011

You say potato, I say 馬鈴薯

As I begin my fifth year of blogging, what better way to pique (not peak) your interest than by being thoroughly and completely incomprehensible?

Please do not be so rude as to mutter under your breath, “Why should today be any different?”

According to Wikipedia, “Chinese, the Chinese languages, or the Sinitic languages (汉语/漢語 Hànyǔ; 华语/華語 Huáyǔ; 中文 Zhōngwén) is a language family consisting of languages which are mostly mutually unintelligible to varying degrees.”

Good, then, we’ll use Chinese.

Actually, there is method in my madness (as opposed to my madness being completely random).

Many of you know that I have another blog called Billy Ray Barnwell Here that was the vehicle to get my unusual book of the same name before the eyes of an adoring public. When I set the blog up, I encouraged people to leave their comments on the topmost post rather than on the individual chapters because this would make it easier for Billy Ray Barnwell to respond.

All was going smoothly until March 28, 2010, when someone named 宥軒 said, and I quote:

“小聊天室彰化聊天室豆豆聊聊天080人聊天室尋夢元聊天咪咪色貼咪咪情色區哈比成人網金瓶成人影片交流區金平梅近親相姦免費影片松島楓看波波貼圖區波波線上美女拳波波線上遊網波波線上戲網波霸美女貼圖區玩女人視訊網玩女人試看片玩女人影片直播色情片直播免費影片芭比成人情色花王影片哈比淫色網哈免費小遊戲洪爺色情免費影片洪爺色情網站影片洪爺色論壇洪爺免費直播片學生妹做愛自拍影片夫妻聯誼視訊美女豆豆聊天室”

I suspected 宥軒 was not a real reader at all and that his or her comment was pornography because a lot of pornographic Chinese comments were showing up on the internet around that time. So I ignored it.

After a year, though, I couldn’t stand it any longer. I decided to find out what 宥軒’s comment said. On April 18, 2011, Billy Ray Barnwell left a comment of his own:

“More than a year has elapsed since the preceding comment showed up, and curiosity, which as we all know eventually killed the cat, finally got the better of me, so using an online translator, I now know who my visitor who speaks Chinese is and what he or she said. Ready?

Yu-Hsuan Chang Hwa said ... small chat room chat room chat room 080 chat Peas dream element erotic chat areas Mimi Mimi Habib color paste gold bottle adult video adult net exchange area close relative Jinping Mei Matsushima Feng rape free videos Bobo Bobo map area to see beautiful women boxing online network wave wave line upstream of the online game network map area beautiful big breasts video network playing a woman playing a woman playing a woman Look at the film live porn video live free adult erotic video Barbie film Kao Habib kinky color screen Hung Yeh Ha free game porn free porn video movie Hung Hung Yeh Yeh Yeh Hung-color forum free live films making film school girl sex video beautiful couple friendship chat room Peas

and all I have to say to Yu-Hsuan Chang Hwa is A you have problems and B you definitely could use a good shrink, probably in more ways than one.”

So it was not real pornography; it was just silly. I did learn, however, that people in China use the word Peas instead of quotation marks.

Something very odd has happened, though. Neither Yu-Hsuan Chang Hwa nor anyone else, Chinese or otherwise, has ever left another comment on Billy Ray Barnwell Here. And that’s a shame, too, because it is a Rolls-Royce.


Where else but here on rhymeswithplague could you read silly Chinese pseudo-pornography and see a photograph of a 1979 Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow II on the same post?

It’s a portent, a harbinger, a foretaste of things to come.

7 comments:

Shooting Parrots said...

.- ..-. - . .-. / -.-. .... .. -. . ... . --..-- / -.-- --- ..- / .- .-. . / .. -. / -. . . -.. / --- ..-. / .- -. --- - .... . .-. / - .-. .- -. .-.. ... .- - .. --- -. / -.-. .... .- .-.. .-.. . -. --. . .-.-.-

You might need this page.

Wine in Thyme said...

thank you for writing pique correctly and for using it in the proper context.

rhymeswithplague said...

Shooting Parrots, I used your Morse Code Translation link and now know that you said AFTER CHINESE, YOU ARE IN NEED OF ANOTHER TRANSLATION CHALLENGE. Ya think?

Wine in Thyme, we aim to please.

A Lady's Life said...

I think people doing this are just spoilers and they come to spoil your blog.
They should be deleted and not referred to at all.

Shooting Parrots said...

Correctamondo! I had hoped to test you with semaphore but the comments wouldn't accept image files.

Katherine said...

Моя бабушка была Россия. Поэтому я выбрал этот язык сказать, что у меня есть все намерения чтения "Билли Рэй Barnewell Here" и оставляя много комментариев о каждой главы (но только на первой странице, как это предусмотрено), но ему придется подождать до следующего год, извините. Я уверен, что это "Роллс".

rhymeswithplague said...

Parrots, I thank God for small favors.

Katherine, well, that was different! You could have blown me over with a feather when I (who never studied the Cyrillic alphabet) surprised myself by realizing that your first sentence said your grandmother was from Russia! I used an online translator to decipher the rest. Billy Ray won't know what to do with your chicken scratching, though.