Thursday, May 3, 2012

There ought to be a law!

And guess what? There is!

These have made a few rounds through email-land already, but since there is a slight chance that some of you may not have seen them before, here they are again:

1. Law of Mechanical Repair. After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity. Any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability. The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers. If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.Variation Law. If you change lines at a bank or grocery store, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now. This also works with lanes of traffic.

6. Law of Close Encounters. The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

7. Law of the Result. When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

8. Law of Biomechanics. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

9. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena. At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or to the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

10. The Coffee Law. As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

11. Murphy’s Law of Lockers. If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

12. Law of Physical Surfaces. The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

13. Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

14. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance. If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

15. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking. A closed mouth gathers no feet. [Editor’s note. Mrs. RWP says that I was born with a silver foot in my mouth. Indeed, some days the only time I open my mouth is to exchange feet. --RWP]

16. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy. As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

17. Doctors’ Law. If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor. By the time you get there, you’ll feel better. Conversely, don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

I hope that you have learned something today. No, I don’t know who Murphy, Brown, Oliver, or Wilson are. Is. Are. Whatever.


Emma_ps said...

All so true! Thank you for making laugh!

Emma_ps said...

That should have been making ME laugh! Must pay more attention! Though I do like the idea of you making laugh! My mind is weird, I'm sure you've figured that out by now!

rhymeswithplague said...

And a happy English spring afternoon to YOU (the one laughing), Emma! Thanks for dropping the blog.

That should be dropping BY the blog...

Carolina said...

You made me laugh too, which is a safer thing to say out loud than when one (not naming names) forgets the 'me'. I'd already seen these laws somewhere else some time ago, but it remains as funny to read.

Yorkshire Pudding said...

Ha! Ha! I hadn't seen these before and they made me chuckle aloud so thanks for brightening my quiet, tropical day.

rhymeswithplague said...

Carolina and Yorky Poo, I'm surprised at my newfound ability to make Nederlanders and expatriate Yorkshire lads laugh.

Carolina said...

There ought to be a law against it ;-)

Katherine said...

Ha ha. Very good.

Helsie said...

Loved them!

rhymeswithplague said...

Katherine and Helsie, thank you (even though they're not original with me)!

Shooting Parrots said...

That has cheered me up immensely. I would add the Irrational Probability Rule that states that the million to one shot happens nine times out of ten.

LightExpectations said...

Here's my husband's favorite (which he invented. or observed.) The Law of Liquid Multiplication, which states that if you spill 1 Tbsp of liquid, it will somehow have multiplied to a cup's worth by the time it hits the floor.

rhymeswithplague said...

Mr. Parrots, I can't decide whether your rule is an irrational probability or a rational improbabability.

Ms. Light,etc. -- the last thing I spilled wasn't even liquid. It was half a bag of Splenda (the sugar substitute) and it was an awful mess to clean up.