Opening of British Parliament, 2012

Good afternoon.

My gubmint will institute the following series of reforms:

My gubmint will fund a study into the possibility of everyone here in the United Kingdom driving their motorcars on the right like people in the United States of America do, reversing our country’s centuries-long drift to the left. The study should cost no more than six million pounds.

My gubmint will appoint the Earl and Countess of Wessex as my co-ambassadors to France, giving them at least the appearance of doing something important whilst actually accomplishing nothing.

My gubmint will recognise the new country of Blogland in the Indian Ocean and invite them to become the seventeenth member of the Commonwealth, joining the illustrious countries of the United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Jamaica, Barbados, the Bahamas, Grenada, Papua New Guinea, the Solomon Islands, Tuvalu, Saint Lucia, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Belize, Antigua and Barbuda, and Saint Kitts and Nevis. My gubmint will also take today’s historic occasion as an opportunity to invite India, Burma, and half the continent of Africa back into the fold.

My gubmint will introduce a bill to build a land bridge made of recycled aluminium cans and compressed, deodorised garbage between New Zealand and Australia, allowing the kiwi birds and kangaroos one loves so much to intermingle freely, and perhaps one day even to marry.

My gubmint will introduce a bill to change the laws of Royal succession in such a way as to allow one’s Welsh Corgis to become monarch ahead of one’s children and grandchildren if one’s children and grandchildren don’t call on a regular basis, preferably weekly.

The Parliament is now open for deliberation on these and other issues that my Prime Minister may deem worthy of attention.

Come, Philip.