Now that the Olympics are over

and the CLXXIXth Olympiad of 2608 is fading into history, we can all return to our busy lives until the CLXXXth Olympiad takes place just four short years from now in the year 2612. It is mind-boggling to realize that these games have been held for 712 years, ever since the first one was held in Beijing, China, back in 1896. Rumors of even earlier games in an ancient country called Gris persist, but have never been verified. Many of the competitions from the first hundred years or so of the modern games have fallen by the wayside, of course, especially since physical contact sports were outlawed by Our Great Leaders in 2392 in favor of more cerebral and artistic pursuits. You may also recall that feats of individual strength and endurance were dropped almost a hundred years later in 2488 because of objections raised by the Comprehensive Report of the Joint Commission of the International Alliance of the Weak and the Worldwide Congress of Losers, Simpletons, and Cowardly Persons.

We congratulate the latest stars in the Olympic heavens:

1) Auk Dingo of Tasmania, who won a coveted Tin Medal for Uninterrupted Navel Gazing. Auk established a new record of 83 hours, 17 minutes by outlasting the second-place finisher and winner of the Recyclable Plastic Medal, the formidable Ludmilla Ubetchurlifwithgrouchomarxova from the Georgian-Tibetan-Andorran Federation, the newest member of the Neo-Sino-Soviet bloc, who had held the old record of 83 hours, 16 minutes.

2) Miguelo Felpi of tiny Nord Amerik, who won an unprecedented seventy-three medals at the games. Miguelo, who handily swept past all other competitors in every event in the Dumpster Diving Division at the magnificent new Garbage Cube, told this reporter that his inspiration came from having learned that one of his remote ancestors had once achieved a measure of success in something called “swimming.”

3) Pinchuk Quadrilahmagong of the Gulag Archipelago, who cleaned the floor, toilets, and urinals of the Grande Stadiume’s Platinum Level’s men’s room using only a toothbrush, a box of paper towels, and sheer determination, thereby winning for himself not only the admiration of thousands but also a handshake from Our Glorious Leader, who wore gloves for the occasion. Pinchuk was awarded the most sought-after prize of the games, the Rubber Ducky with Double Plunger Clusters. These games marked only the third time in Olympic history that spectators have been allowed to continue to use men’s toilets and urinals on the Platinum Level of the Grande Stadiume during the competition, giving them a sense of ownership and a level of participation in the games not seen heretofore.

And so we bid a fond adieu, an adios, an au revoir, an auf wiedersehen, and, yes, even a sayonara to the games of the CLXXIXth Olympiad, and wait with ’bated breath for 2612, when, because of the constantly shifting patterns of global climate change, the summer and winter games will be held simultaneously in Waterloo, Iowa, the largest city in what's left of Nord Amerik. Two new sports, Corn Detasseling and Cow Milking By Hand, will be added into the mix of fascinating events you can expect to be watching at the next games.

See you in four years in Waterloo.