Do they think I just fell off the back of a turnip truck?

Don't answer that.

The major supermarket chain with whom I have been doing business for many years sent me a flyer in today's mail to announce a wonderful new feature they are offering:

FREE Delivery!

It turns out, though, that there's one teensy-weensy little catch, a fly in the ointment, as it were.

It's not free.

The devil, as always, is in the details. Farther down in the flyer we learn that for "Next-Day Delivery" the cost is $59/year* and for "Delivery in as Little as 2 Hours" the cost is $99/year*.

I learned even more when I checked the fine print at the bottom of the flyer:

*$35 order minimum. Restrictions Apply. Subject to availability. Delivery time not guaranteed.

As people have been saying since at least as long ago as the days of the Roman Empire, caveat emptor (let the buyer beware).

The French say (in French, of course), "The more things change, the more they remain the same."

Perhaps P.T. Barnum said it best: "There's one born every minute."

I have no doubt whatever that a lot of people will rush to avail themselves of FREE Delivery, many of them millennials who have a college degree.

I will not be among them.

Idle thoughts and random musings on a cold day in January

Some people are so instantly recognizable they don't need surnames:

Cher
Elvis
Marilyn
Elton
Madonna

Some pairs don't need surnames either:

Eleanor and Franklin
Bill and Hillary
Elizabeth and Philip
Fred and Ginger
Harry and Meghan
Sonny and Cher
Charles and Diana
Charles and Camilla
Donny and Marie
Nelson and Winnie
Napoleon and Josephine
Heloise and Abelard
Antony and Cleopatra

The last couple of couples didn't even have surnames.

Even some threesomes make the cut:

Patty, Maxine, and Laverne
Manny, Moe, and Jack
Larry, Curly, and Moe
Huey, Louie, and Dewey

If you don't recognize those trios, they're the Andrews Sisters, the Pep Boys, the Three Stooges, and Donald Duck's nephews.

Speaking of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, which we weren't but we shall now, have you ever wondered whether Meghan ever feels harried? (I made that up all by myself.)

Also, why does Shakespeare's wife remind us of a line from a poem by Robert Louis Stevenson? Answer: She lay her down with a will. (I made that one up too. The poem is "Requiem", by the way.)

Laugh it up, folks, these are the jokes. All groans will be counted as laughs.

What can I tell you? It has been a slow week.

A Day Late And A Dollar Short Department: I was going to tell Red that Alberta is east of British Columbia, not west, but Yorkshire Pudding got there first. I was going to tell John Grey that he misspelled the word solace, but Yorkshire Pudding once again beat me to it. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

The last sentence in the preceding pargraph has nothing whatsoever to do with your correspondent's gender identity, which is anything but fluid.

Until next time, I remain
Yr obdt svt

Yeah, right.

Third time might be charm

Perhaps the most famous cumulative story is "The Twelve Days Of Christmas" but I'm not going to tax your patience by boring you with it.

Instead, friends, I am going to treat you (treat, I say) to "The Twelve Days AFTER Christmas" by Frederick Silver, a man about whom I can find nothing except that this song of his was published in 1968.

"The Twelve Days After Christmas"
by Frederick Silver

The first day after Christmas my true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down and burned it just for spite
Then with a single ca-a-a-rtridge
I shot that blasted pa-a-a-rtridge
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me

The second day after Christmas I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks of both the turtle doves
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me

The third day after Christmas my mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens to make some chicken soup

The four calling birds were a big mistake
For their language was obscene

The five golden rings were completely fake
And they turned my fingers green

The sixth day after Christmas the six laying geese wouldn't lay
I gave the whole darn gaggle to the A.S.P.C.A.**

On the seventh day what a mess I found
All seven of the swimming swans had drowned
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me

The eighth day after Christmas, before they could suspect
I bundled up the...
Eight maids a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming
(Well, actually, I kept one of the drummers)
And sent them back collect

I wrote my true love "We are through, love"
And I said in so many words
"Furthermore, your Christmas gifts were for the birds."

In the music, the melody line holds out the last word, "birds", while the other parts sing "Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree".

** American Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals

Here endeth our focus on cumulative stories.

Thanks be to God.

Cumulative story number 2

After such a great groundswell of comments on my previous post -- there were exactly none, friends, zero (0), zilch -- I am not deterred. In this post you will be treated to a second cumulative story.

I first heard folk singer Burl Ives perform this song back in the 1950s or 1960s (decades run together when you're my age) and liked it immediately. It has been stuck in my brain ever since. If you haven't run across it before, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

"I Know An Old Lady Who Swallowed A Fly"

I know an old lady who swallowed a fly,
I don't know why she swallowed the fly,
Perhaps she'll die.

I know an old lady who swallowed a spider,
That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed the fly,
Perhaps she'll die.

I know an old lady who swallowed a bird,
How absurd to swallow a bird!
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider,
That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her,
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed the fly,
Perhaps she'll die.

I know an old lady who swallowed a cat,
Imagine that, to swallow a cat!
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird,
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider,
That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her,
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed the fly,
Perhaps she'll die.

I know an old lady who swallowed a dog,
My, what a hog, to swallow a dog!
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat,
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird,
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider,
That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her,
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed the fly,
Perhaps she'll die.

I know an old lady who swallowed a goat,
< Just opened her throat and swallowed a goat!
She swallowed the goat to catch the dog,
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat,
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird,
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider,
That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her,
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed the fly,
Perhaps she'll die.

I know an old lady who swallowed a cow,
I don't know how she swallowed a cow?!
She swallowed the cow to catch the goat,
She swallowed the goat to catch the dog,
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat,
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird,
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider,
That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her,
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed the fly,
Perhaps she'll die.

I know an old lady who swallowed a horse,
She's dead, of course!!


I know the mind can play tricks, but I remember the song as "I Know An Old Woman Who...", not "I Know An Old Lady Who..." but Burl Ives definitely sang Lady in the video I saw when researching this post.

Which is a good segue into our...

Thought For The Day: In the olden days a fellow could get away with saying that all ladies are women but not all women are ladies. In today's world, however, where LGBTQIAA+ folk seem to be everywhere, that statement might have additional meanings.

Cumulative story number 1

Here is a cumulative nursery rhyme that was first published in 1755 in London, England, but the story is thought to be much older. I have known it for about 75 years now (I am 80 for those of you who are wondering). It made me smile when I was a child and it makes me smile now.

You are hereby commissioned and entrusted with the task of providing your own mental pictures to accompany the story as it unfolds.

"This Is The House That Jack Built"

This is the house that Jack built.

This is the cheese that lay in the house that Jack built.

This is the rat that ate the cheese
That lay in the house that Jack built.

This is the cat that chased the rat
That ate the cheese that lay in the house that Jack built.

This is the dog that worried the cat
That chased the rat that ate the cheese
That lay in the house that Jack built.

This is the cow with the crumpled horn
That tossed the dog that worried the cat
That chased the rat that ate the cheese
That lay in the house that Jack built.

This is the maiden all forlorn
That milked the cow with the crumpled horn
That tossed the dog that worried the cat
That chased the rat that ate the cheese
That lay in the house that Jack built.

This is the man all tattered and torn
That kissed the maiden all forlorn
That milked the cow with the crumpled horn
That tossed the dog that worried the cat
That chased the rat that ate the cheese
That lay in the house that Jack built.

This is the judge all shaven and shorn
That married the man all tattered and torn
That kissed the maiden all forlorn
That milked the cow with the crumpled horn
That tossed the dog that worried the cat
That chased the rat that ate the cheese
That lay in the house that Jack built.

This is the rooster that crowed in the morn
That woke the judge all shaven and shorn
That married the man all tattered and torn
That kissed the maiden all forlorn
That milked the cow with the crumpled horn
That tossed the dog that worried the cat
That chased the rat that ate the cheese
That lay in the house that Jack built.

This is the farmer sowing his corn
That kept the rooster that crowed in the morn
That woke the judge all shaven and shorn
That married the man all tattered and torn
That kissed the maiden all forlorn
That milked the cow with the crumpled horn
That tossed the dog that worried the cat
That chased the rat that ate the cheese
That lay in the house that Jack built.

This is the horse and the hound and the horn
That belonged to the farmer sowing his corn
That kept the rooster that crowed in the morn
That woke the judge all shaven and shorn
That married the man all tattered and torn
That kissed the maiden all forlorn
That milked the cow with the crumpled horn
That tossed the dog that worried the cat
That chased the rat that ate the cheese
That lay in the house that Jack built.

This has always been the end of the story, but on this very cold January day in the Year of Our Lord 2022 your correspondent composed yet another stanza:

This is the reader tired and worn
That read of the horse and the hound and the horn
That belonged to the farmer sowing his corn
That kept the rooster that crowed in the morn
That woke the judge all shaven and shorn
That married the man all tattered and torn
That kissed the maiden all forlorn
That milked the cow with the crumpled horn
That tossed the dog that worried the cat
That chased the rat that ate the cheese
That lay in the house that Jack built.

Few things are more satisfting than tampering with a classic, unless it's picturing you picturing yourself.

If you are very good, another cumulative story will be along shortly.

I, polyglot

I never make New Year's resolutions, but I decided late in December to try to learn to read Hebrew. So far I have completed four video lessons onlline out of a total of 11 in the course and am making good progress. You CAN teach an old dog new tricks.

I can read Greek (that is, I can pronounce the words even though I have no idea what most of them mean) and I have also attempted to learn to read Russian because I like a good challenge for my brain. It fascinated me that USSR became CCCP in Cyrillic.

I know a smattering of Swedish because I spent a month in Stockholm in 1969. I know a smattering of Albanian because my wife's parents spoke it (Tosk dialect as opposed to Gheg) in their home. I know a smattering of Spanish (maybe a little more than a smattering) because I live in the United States in the 21st century.

I studied French and Latin in school. I can say "How are you?" in Chinese and "Thank you" in Portuguese and "Goodbye" in Japanese and Italian and German. Speaking of German, I can also say Achtung! and Dummkopf.

When asked to demonstrate one's knowledge of French, one might hearken back to one's schooldays and say je suis, tu es, il est, nous sommes, vous êtes, ils sont which means I am, you are, he is, we are, you are, they are. But I have a friend in Sweden who made me laugh back in 1969 when he demonstrated his French ability by saying je me lave, tu te laves, il se lave, nous nous lavons, vous vous lavez, ils ses lavent which means I wash myself, you wash yourself, he washes himself, we wash ourselves, you wash yourselves, they wash themselves.

I'm still laughing.

The hardest part of learning Hebrew, by the way, is that there are no vowels in the alphabet, just consonants. You probably won't believe how vowels are indicated even if I show you.

The odd thing is that ancient Hebrew had no vowels, all Torah scrolls have no vowels, and modern Hebrew (what is used in Israel today) has no vowels. Vowels were invented by the Masoretes of Tiberias in the fifth or sixth century A.D. (or C.E., if you prefer) so that non-speakers of Hebrew could read the books of the Old Testament.

I think Arabic also uses dots to indicate vowels, but I am not ready to tackle Arabic yet.

Maybe I don't have it in me to be a polyglot.

A quote from Robert Browning seems fitting here: "A man's reach should exceed his grasp, Or what's a heaven for?"

But I am still going to do my best to learn to read Hebrew.

Round and round she goes

...and where she stops, nobody knows. This phrase may have originally referred to a proverbial "wheel of fortune" (no one seems to know for sure), but in my post today it refers to our home planet, Mother Earth, good old terra firma. Our terra is actually not all that firma. Not only is over 70% of our planet's surface covered with water (aqua non firmam), but also deep inside its inner core it is hotter than Hades, 5,430°C (9,800°F) in fact.

So round and round indeed she goes, spinning once a day on her axis at a tilt from vertical of 23.5° (a different kind of degree from the kind used for temperature). She also makes another kind of rotation once each year, orbiting around the nearest star, which at 93,000,000 miles is exactly one astronomical unit (AU) away. We have just completed another of these rotations.

But you knew that.

Many people are concerned that the human race has caused, is causing, and must take measures to stop causing climate changes that threaten Earth's very existence. But I remember what God promised Noah in Genesis 8:22 -- "While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease." God even set a rainbow in the cloud as a sign that he would never again destroy the human race by water.

But as the American author James Baldwin reminded us in his book title The Fire Next Time, I also remember that there is another idea mentioned in the Bible too. No less a personage than good old St. Peter himself wrote, "But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night; in the which the heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall melt wirh fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up." (2 Peter 3:10) and repeated it a couple of verses later, "...the heavens being on fire shall be dissolved, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat" (v. 12). Whether that refers to worldwide climate change/forest fires, nuclear war, or a comet or huge asteroid crashing into us has yet to be determined. It gives one pause. But then St. Peter added, "Nevertheless we, according to his promise, look for new heavens and a new earth, wherein dwelleth righteousness."(v. 13), so a third idea is also mentioned in the Bible.

You may agree or disagree, but the point is that while we wait to find out we have a choice. We can either worry about it or we can concentrate on video games. Actually, those two things are not mutually exclusive. We can do both.

Accordingly, here are two articles for your perusal:

"How Humanity Came To Contemplate Its Possible Extinction: A Timeline"

"The Top 100 Video Games of All Time:

A little perspective is in order. By "of All Time" is meant, basically, in the last 55 years. Although a patent was issued in the U.S. for "a Cathode-ray tube amusement device" as early as 1947, the first real video game was table tennis in 1966. By way of contrast, the first date in the other article is "c. 75,000BP". I'm not sure what is meant by BP but I'm fairly certain it doesn't stand for either British Petroleum or blood pressure.

Here is a list from one online dictionary of possible meanings for BP:

BP Beyond Petroleum (formerly British Petroleum)
BP Blood Pressure (medical)
BP Boiling Point
BP Barometric Pressure
BP Basis Point (finance; 0.01%)
BP Blocking Probability (telephony)
BP British Petroleum (oil company)
BP Backpack (gaming)
BP Back Pack
BP Brown Pride
BP Binding Protein
BP Border Patrol (US)
BP Bishop
BP Budapest (Hungary)
BP Biophysics (various organizations)
BP Base Pair (nucleic acids)
BP Business Plan
BP Business Partner
BP Brad Pitt (actor)
BP Block Party
BP Battery Pack
BP Our Party (Turkish Cypriot Area)
BP Bypass
BP Bits and Pieces
BP Bipolar Disorder
BP Blueprint
BP British Pound
BP Business Park
BP Best Practice
BP Baptized
BP Bullet Proof
BP Bench Press (fitness)
BP Solomon Islands
BP Buying Power (finance) BP Black Power
BP Ball Python (herpetoculture)
BP Beautiful People
BP Baden-Powell (founder of the boy scout movement)
BP Business Professional
BP Board Policy
BP Beer Pong
BP Banque Populaire (French bank)
BP Base Plate
BP Belief Propagation (decoding)
BP Bullpen (baseball)
BP Balance of Payments
BP Birthplace
BP Back Propagation
BP Batting Practice
BP Bandpass
BP Bachelor Party
BP Boat People (people escaping Vietnam by boat after 1975)
BP Back Pocket (Australian football position)
BP Boston Pizza (Canada)
BP Banco de Portugal (Portuguese Central Bank)
BP Black Powder
BP Benzo(a)pyrene (hydrocarbon)
BP Back Pressure
BP Business Practice
BP Bagpipe
BP Bryant Park (New York)
BP Baseball Prospectus
BP Business and Professional
BP Black Panthers
BP Brad Paisley (country music artist)
BP Breakpoint
BP Black Pearl
BP Borderline Personality
BP Boilerplate
BP Batch Processing
BP Bad Publicity
BP Blue Peter (UK TV show)
BP Baptist Press
BP Bharat Petroleum
BP Boîte Postale (French: Postal Box)
BP Browse Product
BP Back Projection
BP Barber Pole
BP Base Point
BP Big Planet (national ISP)
BP Blackplanet.com
BP Band Practice
BP Bacterial Production
BP Base Power (gaming)
BP Breastplate (armor)
BP Before Present
BP Bullpup (weapon)
BP Bande Passante (French: Bandwidth)
BP Bell's Palsy (aka Acute Idiopathic Facial Palsy)
BP Basso Profundo (music)
BP Bolivar Peninsula (near Galveston Island, TX, USA)
BP British Pharmacopoeia (medicinal standards collection; UK)
BP Blister Pack
BP Borland Pascal (successor to Borland Turbo Pascal)
BP Building Partnerships
BP Budget Project
BP Backup Path
BP Beyond Pesticides
BP Bullous Pemphigoid (skin disease)
BP Ballet Philippines
BP Bundespolizei (German: federal police)
BP Base Page
BP Banque Paribas
BP Basement Party
BP Base Pointer
BP Battle Planning
BP Baseline Plan
BP Big Pun (rapper)
BP Bayernpartei (German Party)
BP Binging/Purging
BP Brass Plum (company/division of Nordstrom)
BP Build Plan
BP Blowpipe (old anti-aircraft weapon)
BP Binding Post
BP Bearing Point
BP Bundespost (German postal service)
BP Booster Pump
BP Budget Program
BP British Patent
BP Backward Process
BP Best Papers
BP Black Plate (steel)
BP Brake Power
BP Bill of Particulars
BP Benny Parsons (former Nascar Driver)
BP Burst Pressure
BP Building Paper (construction)
BP Bollard Pull
BP Badge Points (gaming)
BP Bill Period
BP Battle Position
BP Behavioral Psychologist
BP Bubble Project
BP Batas Pambansa (National Law, Philippines)
BP Bowel Program (medical)
BP Billposter
BP Banjo Pilot (game)
BP Brilliant Pebbles
BP Boundary Point
BP Bad Payer
BP British Primary (school)
BP Blocking Position
BP Bills Payable
BP Biological Processing
BP Brutal Planet (music album)
BP Billpoint (payment method)
BP Bandwidth Protection
BP Brioche Pasquier (French baked goods company)
BP Bootstrap Probability
BP Bloque Popular (Spanish: Popular Bloc, Honduras)
BP Boost Pump
BP Booklet Pane (philately)
BP Blade Pro
BP BuddyProfile (AIM chat)
BP Boogiepop Phantom (anime)
BP Beginning Period
BP Buried Penis
BP Boundary Post (UK maps)
BP Bronze Point (bullet type)
BP British Pathé
BP Bermuda Plan (accommodation)
BP Blood Point (RPG Vampire the Masquerade, produced by White-Wolf)
BP Air Botswana Corporation (IATA airline code)
BP Bow Pulpit (nautical measure)
BP Zwart Buskruit (propellant)
BP Block Parity
BP Break-Up Point
BP Bonum Publicum (Latin: the Public Good)
BP Beef Palace (National Western Stock Show, Denver, CO)
BP Billing Percentage
BP Battlefield Position
BP Breaching Point
BP Bonding Protocol (ISDN)
BP Brown-Proschan (repair model)
BP Borrowed Personnel
BP Base/Basic Pay
BP Batch Prep (program utility)
BP Binary Phoenix (website)
BP Bucket Processing (image processing)
BP Bekleder-Parachutepakker
BP Buginesia Program
BP Baloola Palooza (entertainment news website)

After perusing that list of possibilities, the only one that could possibly apply to "c.75,000BP"is Before Present.

In lieu of becoming bogged down in the gory details of the top 100 video games of all time, here is a list (in reverse order) of just the titles:

100. Borderlands 2
99. Divinity: Original Sin 2
98. Final Fantasy VII
97. Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag
96. Monkey Island 2: LeChuck's Revenge
95. Burnout 3: Takedown
94. Fallout 2
93. League of Legends
92. Mega Man 3
91. Animal Crossing: New Horizons
90. Thief II: The Metal Age
89. SimCity 2000
88. Inside
87. Titanfall 2
86. Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2
85. Monster Hunter: World
84. Resident Evil 2 (Remake)
83. System Shock 2
82. Mortal Kombat 11
81. Persona 5 Royal
80. Dark Souls
79. Fortnite
78. Fable 2
77. GoldenEye 007
76. Super Smash Bros. Ultimate
75. Spelunky 2
74. Return of the Obra Dinn
73. Dota 2
72. Mario Kart 8 Deluxe
71. Donkey Kong
70. The Sims 3
69. Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory
68. Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island
67. Silent Hill 2
66. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
65. XCOM 2
64. Control
63. Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare
62. Rise of the Tomb Raider
61. Batman: Arkham City
60. Dishonored 2
59. The Witness
58. Journey
57. Uncharted 2: Among Thieves
56. Overwatch
55. Apex Legends
54. Hollow Knight
53. Ms. Pac-Man
52. Counter-Strike 1.6
51. Left 4 Dead 2
50. EarthBound
49. Diablo II
48. StarCraft
47. World of Warcraft
46. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
45. Fallout: New Vegas
44. Final Fantasy VI
43. Pokémon Yellow
42. Metroid Prime
41. The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
40. Resident Evil 4
39. Shadow of the Colossus
38. The Last of Us Part 2
37. Red Dead Redemption
36. Metal Gear Solid
35. Sid Meier's Civilization IV
34. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
33. Minecraft
32. Halo: Combat Evolved
31. Half-Life
30. Final Fantasy XIV
29. Doom
28. Tetris
27. Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater
26. Half-Life: Alyx
25. God of War
24. Chrono Trigger
23. Portal
22. Street Fighter II
21. Super Mario Bros.
20. Undertale
19. Bloodborne
18. BioShock
17. The Last of Us
16. The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt
15. Halo 2
14. Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
13. Hades
12. Grand Theft Auto V
11. Super Mario Bros. 3
10. Disco Elysium
9. Half-Life 2
8. Red Dead Redemption 2
7. Super Mario 64
6. Mass Effect 2
5. Super Metroid
4. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
3. Portal 2
2. Super Mario World

and the Number One Video Game of "All Time" -- tah-dah -- is:

1. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

I do not play video games, which probably explains why I have never heard of about 95 of the titles in that list.

Whether you read both articles, or just one of them, or neither of them, it is still true that round and round she goes, and where she stops, nobody knows.