Monday, October 11, 2010

New activities and new technology can be daunting.

So whatever you do, do not attempt this at home without the aid of a trained professional.

Or this.

True confessions time: That last one scares the bejeebers out of me (the first one, not so much). I don’t even like to go across a bridge, much less jump off one.

Several guys in my office went sky diving one Saturday. All of them returned on Monday. Thanks be to God.

Their next group activity was a trip to Lookout Mountain outside Chattanooga, Tennessee, to do some hang gliding. Hang gliding, that’s where you jump off the side of a mountain and hope there are enough air thermals to hold you up.

I would rather have a root canal.

I am not particularly brave, nor do I think of myself as a pioneer. You do know how to identify pioneers, don’t you? They’re the ones with the arrows in their backs.

If I had lived two hundred years ago, I would most likely have stayed in Philadelphia. Given the choice of staying home and reading a book (apparently pretty scary in its day) or heading off into the wide open spaces out west where the prospect of having to circle the wagons and fend off attackers was very real, not to mention having to build your own house and grow your own food, I know which one I would have picked.

All of us, however, do something very brave each and every day. It may be the scariest thing of all.

We get out of bed and start another day. Without a net.

Compared to that, jumping off a bridge is child’s play.

Friday, October 8, 2010

It ain’t over till it’s over.

Legendary baseball player Yogi Berra of the New York Yankees said that.

In a comment to my previous post about about Atlanta having lost 1-0 to San Francisco in Game 1 of the National League Division Series (NLDS), Lord Yorkshire Pudding of Pudding Towers, Sheffield, Yorkshire, United Kingdom, said, “Sorry Atlanta lost. Better luck next year.”

Not so fast.

Clearly, Lord Pudding doesn’t understand how Major League Baseball works in America. For everyone’s enlightenment, I will now kindly explain the baseball season to a waiting world. There are currently 30 major league teams (29 in the United States and one in Canada). Each team plays a 162-game season that began back in April. This “regular season” is now finished, but there’s still a lot of baseball left to be played. The top eight teams are now in a round of postseason playoffs, and Atlanta has at least two more chances to continue.

It goes like this (and I may have Easts and Wests mixed up. If I do, Reamus will set me straight):

The National League Division (East) series is a “best 3 out of 5” series between Cincinnati and Philadelphia. Philadelphia currently leads this series, one game to none.

The National League Division (West) Series is a “best 3 out of 5” series between Atlanta and San Francisco. San Francisco currently leads this series, one game to none. [Update, Oct. 9th, 2010: Atlanta beat San Francisco 5-4 last night in 11 innings after being behind 4-0 at one point, and this series is now tied at one game each. Do not look for another update after tonight’s game as there will be no game tonight. The teams have to travel the 2,134 miles between San Francisco and Atlanta so that the next two games in the series can be played in Atlanta. This distance is just about the same as the distance between London, England, and Cairo, Egypt. If you think you’re going to get this much detail about any of the other postseason series from me, you have another think coming. --RWP]

The winners of these two “best 3 out of 5” series will then meet in a “best 4 out of 7” series called the National League Championship series.

The American League Division (East) series is a “best 3 out of 5" series between New York and Minnesota. New York currently leads this series, two games to none.

The American League Division (West) series is a “best 3 out of 5” series between Texas and Tampa Bay. Texas currently leads this series, two games to none.

The winners of these two “best 3 out of 5” series will then meet in a “best 4 out of 7” series called the American League Championship series.

Then, and only then, will the winner of the National League Championship Series and the winner of the American League Championship Series play one another in a final “best 4 out of 7” series of games called the World Series. (Everything you could ever possibly want to know about the World Series is at that link.)

Note that it is called the World Series even though 29 of the 30 teams are in the United States and the other one is in Canada. As they say in Quebec, c’est la vie.

If the World Series lasts the full seven games, baseball will finally come to an end for this year on November 4th, and the “boys of summer” could have icicles attached to their noses.

If you want to follow the progress of the postseason playoffs, click here.

If you don’t want to follow the progress of the postseason playoffs, Yogi Berra has some advice, and here it is: “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”

Otherwise, it’s déjà vu all over again.

Heartbreak

Last night, the Atlanta Braves lost the first game of the National League Division Series playoffs to the San Francisco Giants by a score of 1-0.

We were robbed.

(Associated Press photo -- click to enlarge)

Buster Posey, the player who made the winning run, is shown above trying to slide into second base on a steal from first base in the fourth inning. His foot is about three miles from second base, and he is clearly being tagged out by Atlanta Brave Brooks Conrad.

The umpire called him safe.

He went on to score the game’s winning run on a two-out single by Cody Ross later in the inning. Neither team would score again.

“I saw him safe,” said second-base umpire Paul Emmel. “That’s what I called.”

Did I mention they were playing in San Francisco?

To give the umpire his due, this is the angle at which he saw Posey’s attempted steal:

(Associated Press photo)

But clearly there’s a place for instant replay in baseball. Football has it, and everything stops until the referees review the play. If they were wrong, the call is reversed. Why not do the same thing in baseball?

In the meantime, let’s kill the umpire.

This is the first time in seven years that San Francisco has been in the post-season playoffs. This is the first time in five years that Atlanta has been in the post-season playoffs. So emotions and hopes are running high.

I’m beginning to understand why Yorkshire Pudding is so caught up with his team in whatever sport they’re playing over there.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Figures never lie

...but liars often figure, they say. Someone famously put it this way: “There are three types of falsehoods: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics.”

Someone (not the same someone) sent me the following e-mail. I have no way of knowing whether it is true or false, but I agree that the statistics are very interesting. I decided to pass the article along to you.

[E-mail begins]

A recent Investor’s Business Daily article provided some very interesting statistics from a survey by the United Nations International Health Organization. [Editor’s note: Right there is an inaccuracy. The International Health Organization (IHO) is an organization that concentrates solely on India, Nepal, and Bangladesh, and it is not part of the United Nations. The World Health Organization (WHO) is part of the United Nations. -- RWP]

* Percentage of men and women who survived a cancer five years after diagnosis: U.S. 65%, England 46%, Canada 42%

* Percentage of patients diagnosed with diabetes who received treatment within six months: U.S. 93%, England 15%, Canada 43%

* Percentage of seniors needing hip replacement who received it within six months: U.S. 90%, England 15%, Canada 43%

* Percentage referred to a medical specialist who see one within one month: U.S. 77%, England 40%, Canada 43%

* Number of MRI scanners (a prime diagnostic tool) per million people: U.S. 71, England 14, Canada 18

* Percentage of seniors (65+) with low income who say they are in “excellent health”: U.S. 12%, England 2%, Canada 6%

[The following is still part of the quoted e-mail.  Just because it uses first person doesn't mean that the first person is me. --RWP]

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want “Universal Healthcare” comparable to England or Canada.

Moreover, it was Senator Harry Reid [Nevada Democrat who is Majority Leader of the U.S. Senate] who said, “Elderly Americans must learn to accept the inconveniences of old age.”

SHIP HIM TO CANADA OR ENGLAND!

He is “elderly” himself but be sure to remember his health insurance is different from yours as Congress has their own high-end coverage. He will never have to learn to accept “inconveniences.”

And perhaps the most interesting statistic of all is the percentage of each president’s cabinet since 1901 who had worked in the private business sector prior to being appointed to the cabinet:

Theodore Roosevelt................38%
William Howard Taft.............40%
Woodrow Wilson ...................52%
Warren G. Harding...............49%
Calvin Coolidge.....................48%
Herbert Hoover.....................42%
Franklin D. Roosevelt.............50%
Harry S Truman...................50%
Dwight D. Eisenhower............57%
John F. Kennedy....................30%
Lyndon Johnson....................47%
Richard Nixon.......................53%
Gerald Ford...........................42%
Jimmy Carter.......................32%
Ronald Reagan.......................56%
George H. W. Bush..................51%
Bill Clinton............................39%
George W. Bush......................55%

...and the winner of the chicken dinner is:

Barack Obama........................ 8%

Yes, that is correct. Only eight per cent, the least by far of the last 19 presidents. And these people are trying to tell our big corporations how to run their business? They know what’s best for GM ... Chrysler ... Wall Street ... and you and me?

How can the president of the nation and society with the most successful economic system in world history stand and talk about business when he has never worked for one? Or about jobs when he has never really had one? And neither have 92% of his senior staff and closest advisers. They’ve spent most of their time in academia, government and/or non-profit jobs ... or as “community organizers” when they should have been in an employment line.

[End of E-mail]

Perhaps these figures are true, and perhaps they aren’t. Does it matter? Does anyone care to comment?

P.S. - No one wanted to talk about Aunt Zeituni Onyango. Pity.
I must be losing my touch.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Aunt Zeituni Onyango

Watch these.  Then we’ll talk.

Aunt Zeituni, Part 1 (5:46)

Aunt Zeituni, Part 2 (4:30)

In some ways these videos represent everything that’s good about the American system.  In some ways they represent everything that’s bad about the American system.  Do we show them to our glory? Or do we show them to our shame?

You will have to decide for yourself.

But I am reminded of certain verses from the Old Testament (and we do claim to be a nation founded on Judeao-Christian principles, President Obama’s opinion notwithstanding):

(Stay with me, Carolina, don’t tune out just yet.)

“Do not mistreat an alien or oppress him, for you were aliens in Egypt.” (Exodus 22:21)

“When an alien lives with you in your land, do not mistreat him. The alien living with you must be treated as one of your native-born. Love him as yourself, for you were aliens in Egypt. I am the Lord your God.” (Leviticus 19: 33-34)

“When you reap the harvest of your land, do not reap to the very edges of your field or gather the gleanings of your harvest. Leave them for the poor and the alien. I am the Lord your God.” (Leviticus 23:22)


“The community is to have the same rules for you and for the alien living among you; this is a lasting ordinance for the generations to come. You and the alien shall be the same before the Lord.” (Numbers 15:15)


For better or for worse, we’ve come a long way, baby.

Of course, the Old Testament also says this:

“An alien living among you who wants to celebrate the Lord's Passover must have all the males in his household circumcised; then he may take part like one born in the land. No uncircumcised male may eat of it.” (Exodus 12:48)

Ouch.

I guess that one, at least, doesn’t have anything to do with Aunt Zeituni.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Three times in three years ain’t too bad, all things considered.

I don’t know what you may be thinking of, but I’m referring to the number of times people have been offended enough by things I have said or done on this blog that they have informed me in no uncertain terms that they are taking their patronage elsewhere, are bidding me a not-so-fond farewell, are removing themselves from my presence forever.

There was a lady reader out in Oregon who took a great deal of umbrage (not you, Vonda), and there was a lady reader from East Tennessee who systematically went through all of my old posts and deleted every one of her comments, and now there is (or was) a lady reader in the United Kingdom who, if I interpret her comments correctly, is convinced that I (a) ignore her, (b) make fun of her, (c) attack her, (d) lie to her. Pick one. Or more.

Does anyone recognize a pattern?

Neal Boortz, an Atlanta-based radio-talk-show host whose announcer calls him The High Priest of the Church of the Painful Truth, is known for being blunt and insensitive. He says if he had a nickel for every time some listener sent an e-mail saying, “I’m never going to listen to you again,” he would be a very rich man indeed. He also has the highest ratings in town.

I feel a rant coming on, but I will try to keep it under control.

When it comes right down to it, I am too busy living my own life and putting food on my family’s table and keeping the wolf from my door to be overly concerned if a nearly complete stranger doesn’t like my blog. (For the record, I am thankful for you nearly complete strangers who do like it.)

If you want to read it, fine.

If you don’t want to read it, fine.

If you’ve decided to move on to greener pastures, great. Glad to hear it. Have a nice life. Don’t let the screen door hit you on the way out.

But please, please, pretty please with sugar on it, don’t be so self-involved that you actually think I have purposely ignored, attacked, made fun of, or lied to you personally. I have much better ways to spend my time.

As Judge Judith Scheindlin says almost daily, “Do we understand each other?”

Rant ended.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Mrs. Rhymeswithplague orders lunch from the menu at the O.K. Cafe


AFP/Getty Images

She had a hard time deciding what to have. First she considered the Blue Plate Special (chicken-fried steak, mashed potatoes, white gravy, and Choice Of Two Vegetables (she picked les haricots verts and les carottes de bébé), but changed her mind and ordered the Hamburger Deluxe because it came with lettuce, tomato, pickle, and a side order of deep-fried onion rings.

Then she told the server, “My government will have the same.”

Later, in retaliation, the manager of the O.K. Cafe (who doesn’t really care for onion rings) prevented the server from bringing a dessert to the table, saying, “Do not bother Her Majesty with trifles.”

All of the foregoing is, of course, pure rubbish.  That is not Mrs. Rhymeswithplague at all.  And whoever she is*, it is doubtful that the photograph was taken at the O.K. Cafe because I have it on good authority that the place is decorated in lovely shades of fuchsia and chartreuse. Lastly, the manager of the O.K. Cafe is an absolute fanatic for deep-fried onion rings.


[* Editor’s note. She is, of course, 84-year-old Mrs. Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor-Mountbatten of the Hanover/Saxe-Coburg-Gotha Windsors, wife of one Philip Mountbatten (originally Battenberg), to whom she has been married forever. Her full title is (or was on February 6, 1952, according to Wikipedia) Her Majesty Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of Great Britain, Ireland and the British Dominions beyond the Seas Queen, Defender of the Faith, Duchess of Edinburgh, Countess of Merioneth, Baroness Greenwich, Duke of Lancaster, Lord of Mann, Duke of Normandy, Sovereign of the Most Honourable Order of the Garter, Sovereign of the Most Honourable Order of the Bath, Sovereign of the Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Thistle, Sovereign of the Most Illustrious Order of Saint Patrick, Sovereign of the Most Distinguished Order of Saint Michael and Saint George, Sovereign of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, Sovereign of the Distinguished Service Order, Sovereign of the Imperial Service Order, Sovereign of the Most Exalted Order of the Star of India, Sovereign of the Most Eminent Order of the Indian Empire, Sovereign of the Order of British India, Sovereign of the Indian Order of Merit, Sovereign of the Order of Burma, Sovereign of the Royal Order of Victoria and Albert, Sovereign of the Royal Family Order of King Edward VII, Sovereign of the Order of Merit, Sovereign of the Order of the Companions of Honour, Sovereign of the Royal Victorian Order, Sovereign of the Most Venerable Order of the Hospital of St John of Jerusalem. In addition to her regnal titles, Elizabeth’s full title also includes: Sovereign of the Order of Canada, Sovereign of the Order of Australia, Sovereign of the Order of New Zealand, Sovereign of the Order of Barbados, Sovereign of the Order of Valour, Sovereign of the Order of Military Merit, Sovereign of the Order of Merit of the Police Forces, Sovereign of the Queen's Service Order, Sovereign of the New Zealand Order of Merit, Sovereign of the Order of St. Andrew, Sovereign of the Order of Logohu, Sovereign of the Order of the Star of Melanesia. It should also be noted that in Jamaican Patois, the woman in the photo is known as Missis Queen or The Queen Lady.

In case you were wondering, the Order of Logohu medal is bestowed only in Papua New Guinea and looks like this:

--RWP]

<b>Words have meanings</b>

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say in this post but I'll try to say it as best I can. According to William Shakespeare, a...