QWERTY? QWERTY???

My friend Jinksy who lives in England told me about an interesting challenge this morning over at This Is Getting Very Silly (Dr. FTSE’s blog).

The challenge is simply this (though few things are ever very simple):

When you can’t think what to write, here’s a neat way to beat writer's block. Just look at your keyboard, then write a 26-word passage that makes sense, using as the first letter of each word the letters on your keyboard taken in order, left to right, top row to bottom row.

If you can do that, writes Dr. FTSE, you can do anything.

QWERTYUIOPASDFJKLZXCVBNM is the pattern on my keyboard, but if your keyboard is different, use your pattern.

My contribution, possibly the opening lines of my smashing new best-seller, The Adventures of Quentin and Kevin, was:

Quentin, waxing eloquent, raced toward Yvonne’s upstairs, inconsolable over Penelope's abominable situation despite Friday’s germs hovering jauntily. Kevin languished, Zen-like, xenophobically coveting Veronica’s Norwegian behind mightily.

Oops, the N and B seems to have exchanged places when I wasn’t looking. Oh, well.

Emboldened, I decided to try again. My second offering was an excerpt from my other potential blockbuster, Nothing Makes Sense Any More:

“Quit whining,” Edward reluctantly told Yakima’s ubiquitous imbecile, Percy, “only people at Seattle drink filthy gin.” Hoping, John kissed Loretta. Zany xylophonist Charles visited bassoonists near Manhattan.***

Basically, what this challenge proves most is that there’s no fool like and old fool (I’m talking about me, not Dr. FTSE).

But I would love to see what deathless prose you can come up with! Put it on Dr. FTSE’s blog, then copy your offering into a comment here on this post.

Now, get busy!

***Belatedly, I see that my second offering (the one that started “Quit whining...) is a little botched in the O and P area. If I change the name Percy to Oliver and delete the word “only” the result is a true qwertygram (a word I just invented):

“Quit whining,” Edward reluctantly told Yakima’s ubiquitous imbecile, Oliver, “people at Seattle drink filthy gin.” Hoping, John kissed Loretta. Zany xylophonist Charles visited bassoonists near Manhattan.

And if we combine my original qwertygram (Quentin, waxing...) with the one from Frances Garrood in the comments, we have the beginnings of a truly intriguing story:


Quentin, waxing eloquent, raced toward Yvonne’s upstairs, inconsolable over Penelope’s abominable situation despite Friday’s germs hovering jauntily. Kevin languished, Zen-like, xenophobically coveting Veronica’s Norwegian behind mightily.

Quentin was easily rendered tipsy. Yvonne understimated Ian’s orange punch. Andrea, senseless, dropped floorwards. Gavin held Jennifer, kissed, laughing zanily (xxx). Caroline’s vodka befuddled Nathan’s mother.


Wow, in just two paragraphs we have been introduced to Quentin, Yvonne, Penelope, Kevin, Veronica, Ian, Andrea, Gavin, Jennifer, Caroline, and Nathan’s mother. Nathan, however, is nowhere in sight.

I have changed the working title of my novel to Caroline’s Vodka. It has a certain ring to it, like Angela’s Ashes.

Question of the day

Now that the rules for succeeding to the British throne have been changed to let birth order take precedence over gender (that is, girls will now precede their younger brothers instead of being pushed to the back of the pack), I am dying to know one thing that wasn’t mentioned in any of the news stories:

Is the decision retroactive? What I mean is, does it affect the living, or only the future-born?

Specifically, what I’m getting at is this. If something horrible should happen to Prince Charles, Prince William, and Prince Harry (I mean besides being related to the Duchess of Cornwall), will the next monarch be Prince Andrew or Princess Anne? Has the Princess Royal, Anne Elizabeth Alice Louise Windsor-Mountbatten Phillips Laurence, vaulted from tenth in line to fourth? If so, would that mean her children, Peter Phillips and Zara Phillips, have also leapfrogged ahead of not only Andrew but also the Princesses Eugenie and Beatrice? Or was all this trouble gone to for the sole benefit of the offspring, if and when there are any, of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, the recently wed William and Kate? Most importantly, should Prince Edward, the Earl of Wessex, produce a documentary film about it? And if he does, would anyone except his wife, the former Sophie Rhys-Jones, care?

I am undoubtedly one of millions hundreds probably around a dozen people on this planet who will not be able to sleep until these questions are answered.

Daphne, Elizabeth, Ian, other Ian, Y.P. et al, I’m counting on you to clear up the mystery.

(Photo by Agência Brasil and used under the Creative Commons License Attribution 2.5 Brazil)

56 shopping days until Christmas

...and the main thing to remember is:

Christmas is not your birthday.

The inimitable Putz (and I mean that sincerely) and his family out in Utah perform the Christmas story in their home every year on Christmas Eve. This week he posted the script of his family’s delightful re-enactment (in three parts) on his blog for all the world to see. As an early incentive for your own observance of the holiday, I now present you with links to it them the three parts. If it is not exactly St. Luke’s version, I strongly suggest that, in keeping with the spirit of the season that all too soon will be upon us, you pretend not to notice.

Part 1 - the actual script of the barlow christmas pageant.

Part 2 - christmas is coming goose is getting fat.

Part 3 - continuation 3rd part, christmas story enhanced.


I find I do have one thing to say:

Thank you, Barlow family!

I knew that!

Here are the answers to yesterday’s quiz:

1. Wonder Bread

2. Cassius Clay (He was from Louisville, Kentucky. Because he said things like “I am the greatest!” and “Float like a butterfly; sting like a bee” he was known as The Louisville Lip.)

3. He is us. (The cartoonist was Walt Kelly.)

4. Good night, Chet. (Chet Huntley and David Brinkley were news anchors on NBC-TV.)

5. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent.

6. Maynard G. Krebs (The television program was The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis. The Skipper was on Gilligan’s Island.)

7. Pants on fire.

8. The American way.

9. It’s Howdy Doody time. (Buffalo Bob Smith asked the question at the beginning of every program and the kids in the peanut gallery would shout out the answer.)

10. Oh, my! (from The Wizard of Oz.)

11. Over 30. [Editor’s note. Reader Snowbrush in Oregon has pointed out that the admonition not to trust anyone over 30 is not attributed to Bob Dylan but to Jerry Rubin. He is correct. I knew something didn’t sound right about this question but couldn’t put my finger on it. Jerry Rubin was one of the Chicago 7 along with Abby Hoffman, Tom Hayden (a future husband of Jane Fonda), and others who were jailed at the time of the disturbances surrounding the 1968 Democratic Convention in Chicago. If you don’t remember that time, count yourself among the fortunate. Bob Dylan was a person who wanted to sing very badly, and he did. --RWP]

12. Joe Namath (and they weren’t stockings, they were pantyhose.)

13. A little dab’ll do ya.

14. On Blueberry Hill. (Fats Domino and Pat Boone both had hits with this song.)

15. Mary Martin (She also starred on Broadway in South Pacific and The Sound of Music, and she was the mother of Larry Hagman, who played J.R. Ewing on Dallas.)

16. John, Paul, George, Ringo

17. Who wrote the book of love?

18. Cause I eats me spinach. (I’m Popeye the Sailor Man.)

19. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera. (with Allen Funt and Fannie Flagg. One of them wrote Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe and was a former Miss Alabama.)

20. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

How many did you get right?

Boomer generation quiz

This one has been around the email circuit a few times now, but on the off chance you have never seen it, I’m including it in my post today.

There are 20 questions. The average score is said to be 12.

Needless to say, I got all 20 right. And that is odd, because I am not even a Boomer. (Note to the clueless: A “baby boom” occurred in the U.S. in the post-World War II years, when births exceeded three million annually from 1946 through 1964. Hence, children born during that period are referred to as “the boomer generation.” I was born in 1941.)

Good luck, youngsters!

1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?
A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The Buttmaster
C. Spaghetti
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
F. Milk
G. Cod Liver Oil

2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...
A. Sugar Ray Robinson.
B. Roy Orbison.
C. Gene Autry.
D. Rudolph Valentino.
E. Fabian.
F. Mickey Mantle.
G. Cassius Clay.

3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, “We have met the enemy and...
A. It’s you.”
B. He is us.”
C. It’s the Grinch.”
D. He wasn’t home.”
E. He’s really me and you.”
F. We quit.”
G. He surrendered.”

4. Good night, David.
A. Good night, Irene.
B. Good night, Gracie.
C. Sleep well.
D. See you later, alligator.
E. Good night, Chet.
F. Until tomorrow.
G. Good night, Steve.

5. You’ll wonder where the yellow went...
A. When you use Tide.
B. When you lose your crayons.
C. When you clean your tub.
D. If you paint the room blue.
E. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent.
F. If you buy a soft water tank.
G. When you use Lady Clairol.

6. Before he was the Skipper’s Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie’s friend...
A. Stuart Whitman.
B. Randolph Scott.
C. Steve Reeves.
D. Maynard G. Krebs.
E. Corky B. Dork.
F. Dave the Whale.
G. Zippy Zoo.

7. Liar, liar...
A. You’re a liar.
B. Your nose is growing.
C. Pants on fire.
D. Join the choir.
E. Jump up higher.
F. On the wire.
G. I’m telling Mom.

8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and...
A. Wheaties.
B. Lois Lane.
C. TV ratings.
D. World peace.
E. Red tights.
F. The American way.
G. News headlines.

9. Hey, kids! What time is it?
A. It’s time for Yogi Bear.
B. It’s time to do your homework.
C. It’s Howdy Doody Time.
D. It’s time for Romper Room.
E. It’s bedtime.
F. Time for The Mighty Mouse Hour.
G. Scoopy Doo Time.

10. Lions and tigers and bears...
A. Yikes!
B. Oh, no!
C. Gee whiz!
D. I’m scared!
E. Oh, my!
F. Help! Help!
G. Let’s run!

11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone...
A. Over 40.
B. Wearing a uniform.
C. Carrying a briefcase.
D. Over 30.
E. You don’t know.
F. Who says, “Trust me.”
G. Who eats tofu.

12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women’s stockings...
A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler
C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Staubach
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway

13. Brylcream...
A. Smear it on.
B. You’ll smell great.
C. Tame that cowlick.
D. Grease ball heaven.
E. A little dab’ll do ya.
F. It’s a dream.
G. We’re your team.

14. I found my thrill...
A. In Blueberry muffins.
B. With my man, Bill.
C. Down at the mill.
D. Over the windowsill.
E. With thyme and dill.
F. Too late to enjoy.
G. On Blueberry Hill.

15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by...
A. Clark Gable.
B. Mary Martin.
C. Doris Day.
D. Errol Flynn.
E. Sally Fields.
F. Jim Carrey.
G. Jay Leno.

16. Name the Beatles.
A. John, Steve, George, Ringo
B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo
F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George, Ringo

17. I wonder, wonder, who...
A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
F. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?

18. I’m strong to the finish...
A. Cause I eats my broccoli.
B. Cause I eats me spinach.
C. Cause I lift weights.
D. Cause I’m the hero.
E. And don’t you forget it.
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me.
G. To outlast Bruto.

19. When it’s least expected, you’re elected, you’re the star today...
A. Smile, you’re on Star Search.
B. Smile, you won the lottery.
C. Smile, we’re watching you.
D. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera.
E. Smile, the world sees you.
F. Smile, you’re a hit.
G. Smile, you’re on TV.

20. What do M & M’s do?
A. Make your tummy happy!
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket.
C. Make you fat.
D. Melt your heart.
E. Make you popular.
F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
G. Come in colors.


I’ll reveal the correct answers in my next post!

[Editor’s note. Reader Snowbrush in Oregon has pointed out that the saying in #11 is not attributed to Bob Dylan but to Jerry Rubin. He is correct. I knew something didn’t sound right about that question but couldn’t put my finger on it. Jerry Rubin was one of the Chicago 7 along with Abby Hoffman, Tom Hayden (a future husband of Jane Fonda), and others who were jailed at the time of the disturbances surrounding the 1968 Democratic Convention in Chicago. If you don’t remember that time, count yourself among the fortunate. --RWP]

842

This is my 842nd post. Ever. It has never happened before and it will never happen again.

842 is an interesting number. 8 is 2 cubed, 4 is 2 squared, and 2 is, well, 2. As in “tea for” and “on the aisle” and “if by sea.” It is how many it takes to tango and how many heads are better than one, unless one of them is a cabbage head. 842 just missed being a perfect square, the product of 29 times 29 being 841.

In the year 842, lots of interesting things happened.

In Europe, Charles the Bald and Louis the German signed a treaty on February 14th.

Cerball mac Dúnlainge became king of Osraige.

The Oaths of Strasbourg, an alliance of Louis the German and Charles the Bald against emperor Lothar, were sworn and recorded in the vernacular languages.

Ramiro I succeeded Alfonso II as king of Asturias.

Uurad was succeeded by Bred, then Ciniod as King of the Picts.

Charles the Bald married Ermentrude.

In the Byzantine Empire, three year old Michael III succeeded Theophilus (emperor) as emperor of Byzantium.

In Asia, the reign of caliph Al-Mu'tasim, the caliph of Abbasid, ended on January 5th with his death, and the Uyghurs left the Mongolian plateau.

Emperor Saga of Japan (b. 786), Alfonso II of Asturias (b. 759), Theophilus, Byzantine Emperor (b. 813), and Liu Yuxi, Chinese poet, philosopher, and essayist (b. 772), all died.

Where else could you learn such fascinating information?

Oh, yeah -- Wikipedia.

Page 2.

Charles the Bald was extremely prolific, producing 14 children with his two wives. He and Ermentrude, daughter of Odo I, Count of Orléans, had nine:

1. Judith (844–870), married firstly with Ethelwulf of Wessex, secondly with Ethelbald of Wessex (her stepson) and thirdly with Baldwin I of Flanders;
2. Louis the Stammerer (846–879);
3. Charles the Child (847–866);
4. Lothar (848–865), a monk who became Abbot of Saint-Germain;
5. Carloman (849–876);
6. Rotrud (852–912), a nun who became Abbess of Saint-Radegunde;
7. Ermentrud (854–877), a nun who became Abbess of Hasnon;
8. Hildegard (born 856, died young); and
9. Gisela (857–874).

and after Ermentrude died in 869, Charles married his second wife, Richilde of Provence, who was descended from a noble family of Lorraine, in 870. They had five more:

10. Rothild (871–929), married firstly with Hugues, Count of Bourges and secondly with Roger, Count of Maine;
11. Drogo (872–873);
12. Pippin (873–874);
13. A son (born and died 875); and
14. Charles (876–877).

One more thing: It has been suggested that Charles the Bald’s nickname was used ironically and not descriptively; that he was not in fact bald, but rather that he was extremely hairy.

As Paul the Golden-Throated used to say, and now you know the rest of the story.

On the other hand, there are times when swearing is definitely appropriate

Here is a famous (in the U.S., anyway) scene from The Carol Burnett Show (4:57) in which Tim Conway destroys his castmates during a “Mama’s Family” sketch by refusing to let the scene continue until he can finish a story about a circus elephant.

For the benefit of any Nederlanders and Enzedders and Yorkshirians out there (you know who you are) who might not know, Tim’s habit of inserting unscripted material during tapings of Carol’s shows before a live audience became legend.

I thought a good laugh might help you start your week.

And, yes, the fellow on the other end of the couch is Dick Van Dyke.

Here’s a scene of Tim with Harvey Korman (2:48). Although it is probably mostly scripted, it is every bit as funny as the first clip. In fact, I find it downright hilarious.

Thus spake Zarathustra.