Tuesday, August 20, 2013

A blast from the past! Here’s “We interrupt this blog to bring you an important announcement from rhymeswithplague headquarters” (From the archives: May 6, 2009)

tap tap tap...is this thing on???

*clearing of throat, followed by ear-splitting feedback from microphone*

Good morning.

I am not a camera.

Do not come here hoping to find professional-looking close-ups of exotic insects or the vegetables in my garden or the maple tree in my front yard or the azalea blossoms under my bay window. Do not expect to see the gorgeous sunsets we enjoy daily here in my neck of the woods; they probably look very much like the ones in your neck of the woods. You won’t find snapshots of assorted small children smiling prettily into the camera lens accompanied by captions documenting the rapturous opinions of an adoring older relative. You will look in vain as well for any pictures of my own handsome self, except for the small one in the sidebar to the right, taken when I was two.

It ain’t gonna happen.

Neither will you find photos of me and the missus on horseback rounding up our multitudinous cattle in midwinter or our herd of wild mustangs in summer, the ones the U.S. government reimburses us for feeding. [Editor’s note. That was a snarky reference to Ree Drummond out in Oklahoma who writes a blog called Confesstions of a Pioneer Woman. In addition to her blog, Ree now has published a couple of cookbooks and can be seen on her weekly television program on The Food Network on Saturday mornings. At some point since May 6, 2009, I actually did add to the sidebar a picture of me and the missus, albeit not on horseback -- hey, thank God for small favors and try to realize that you can’t have everything. --RWP] You needn’t search any time soon for my completely illustrated procedure of how to make my great-grandma’s gooseberry pie, beginning with the killing and cleaning of the goose (take one cup of sugar, insert photo, one stick of butter, insert photo, use a serrated knife, insert photo). What we do in and around the privacy of our own home, dear reader, ain’t nobody’s bidnis but our own. I know this may come as a shock to some of you, flying as it does in the face of our show all, tell all, bragging, boasting, overblogged, overtwittered, over-blackberried, over-iPhoned society, but it simply can’t be helped. As Walter Cronkite used to say, that’s the way it is.

Instead, I hope you will find, as newcomer Robert Brault -- my goodness, we share three-fourths of a name -- recently did, a “charmingly eclectic” little blog, which he also said he prefers to a “disarmingly dyslexic” one.

If you want your life to be an open book, fine. More power to you. But mine is not. I’m not planning to give you a peek at members of my family. I may write about them from time to time, but show them to you? Never! (In the interest of full disclosure, I must admit that in the past I have included old photographs of a few relatives who have long since departed this world. That was then. This is now.) As a famous coffee cup once said, “Just because I’m paranoid doesn't mean they’re not out to get me.”

So when a photograph appears on my blog, it will be because I searched online and found one that fits well with something I have decided to write about.

It will be because I am more a man of words than images.

It will be because I am an admirer of the alphabet, a lover of language, a veritable wizard with words.

Or it might just be because there are no digital cameras or scanners on the premises, and if there were, I wouldn’t know how to operate them, and everything I just said in this announcement is nothing but sour grapes.

Have a blessed day.

*turns and walks out of camera range, if there were a camera*

This has been a special announcement from rhymeswithplague headquarters.

We now return you to the blog in progress.


  1. When I lived in Virginia we had azaleas blossoming under our bay window. I'm sorry you have no digital cameras or scanners or whatnot, as I'm sure a picture of yours would be a pleasant treat for me. But no blogger-peer pressure from me. As I tell my kids, "You gotta be who God made you to be."

    Loved your post!

  2. I basically just come here for the porn. So far, I've been disappointed, but due to my optimistic nature, I keep coming back, dreary year after year.

  3. Err...that's us told, then.

    Bob,I have 1 regular visitor (you!) and you have a huge following of people who admire and respect you very much. Go figure. We love your blog and you just the way you are. Don't ever change.

    If someone has upset you, I'm so sorry that it's happened. Hold your head up high, ignore the brickbats and accept the bouquets we throw at your feet. You and your blog are wonderful. x

  4. All, I wrote this post over four years ago, since which time I have acquired an iPhone4, so I am now able to take photographs. But I still don't own a scanner. For more of my fascinating comments, keep reading.

    LightExpectations, the original post was written in early May 2009, so there were lots of colorful azalea blooms under my bay window. Since it is now August, there aren't any. Remind me in April, and I'll see what I can come up with.

    Snowbrush, I sometimes think it is better to be a pessimist than an optimist, because optimists are often disappointed but pessimists are sometimes pleasantly surprised.

    Elizabeth, no one has upset me. If the post had a combative tone, I certainly didn't mean for it to. Maybe it took on a life of its own. But I do thank you for the excellent advice about my head (hold it high), the brickbats (ignore them), and the bouquets (accept them). I will do all three.

  5. Aye, each to their own that is how we end up with such diversity, and I welcome it. Snow's comment - "I basically just come here for the porn. So far, I've been disappointed, but due to my optimistic nature, I keep coming back, dreary year after year. " - Hahahahaha. I hope he tickles you as much as he does me Rhymes. I suspect tis the case.

  6. All Consuming, I don't let him tickle my fancy and he doesn't let me tickle his. Ours is a strictly platonic relationship.

  7. "Take one cup of sugar, insert photo, one stick of butter, insert photo,etc"
    hmmm, sounds suspiciously like a few of my posts.
    Hi, I'm River, I came here via Elephant's Child, probably could have left a comment on the first post up there, but it was about politics and politicians and I have no interest or understanding of either.

  8. Welcome, River, to rhymeswithplague! As for where you choose to place or not place your comments, whatever floats your boat.