Why don’t you just move to Austria.

I’m sure nobody has noticed it here on the blog, but some people think I’m a little quirky. Not that anyone has ever come up to me and actually said, “You know what, I think you’re a little quirky,” but I can tell that’s what people are thinking. For example, when I make a perfectly innocent little joke that happens to demonstrate my breadth of experience and my depth of intelligence and my absolutely extraordinary grasp of the English language, some people might laugh, but other people dart little looks at one another that plainly say, “Hey, this guy is a little quirky.”

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

And then they politely excuse themselves and go elsewhere or they sit there and humor me, not taking me seriously any longer, or they join in the fun themselves.

Because it takes all kinds.

That being the case, I read all sorts of blogs (Protestant, Catholic, Orthodox, None) and I can tell you for a fact that there are people in this world who are quirkier than I ever thought of being, a whole lot quirkier. Believe you me, I couldn’t hold a candle to their quirkiness, especially the ones who are convicted felons.

I’m just kidding. As far as I know, I do not read the blogs of any convicted felons. Please let me know if you are a convicted felon.

Let me get to the point of this post.

I found something called The Julie Andrews Inspired Mark Shea Evilness Diagnostic Generator with which you can generate insults. A guy named James Preece came up with it so that he could direct some insults at a guy named Mark Shea, and then he made it possible for all of us to generate them, five at a time. James Preece and Mark Shea could be cloistered Buddhists moonlighting as streetsweepers for all I know, but if I had to hazard a guess I would guess that they are Irish Catholics, especially since one of them has a blog called Catholic and Enjoying It.

Here are some of the things you can generate with The Julie Andrews Inspired Mark Shea Evilness Diagnostic Generator:

You are really a deer, a female deer.
You hate girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes.
You love when I’m feeling sad.
You hate America and want to destroy it.
Why don’t you just move to Austria.

You are really a name I call myself.
You hate doorbells and sleigh bells.
You love when the dog bites.
You hate America and want to destroy it.
Why don’t you just move to Austria.

You are really a deer, a female deer.
You hate whiskers on kittens.
You love when I’m feeling sad.
You hate America and want to destroy it.
Why don’t you just move to Austria.

You are really a long, long way to run.
You hate silver white winters that melt into springs.
You love when the dog bites.
You hate America and want to destroy it.
Why don’t you just move to Austria.

You are really a name I call myself.
You hate raindrops on roses.
You love when I’m feeling sad.
You hate America and want to destroy it.
Why don’t you just move to Austria.

You are really a long, long way to run.
You hate snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes.
You love when the bee stings.
You hate America and want to destroy it.
Why don’t you just move to Austria.

You are really a needle pulling thread.
You hate wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings.
You love when I’m feeling sad.
You hate America and want to destroy it.
Why don’t you just move to Austria.

You are really a note to follow sew.
You hate schnitzel with noodles.
You love when I’m feeling sad.
You hate America and want to destroy it.
Why don’t you just move to Austria.

You are really a drink with jam and bread.
You hate whiskers on kittens.
You love when the dog bites.
You hate America and want to destroy it.
Why don’t you just move to Austria.

You are really a drink with jam and bread.
You hate crisp apple streudels.
You love when the bee stings.
You hate America and want to destroy it.
Why don’t you just move to Austria.

You are really a long, long way to run.
You hate raindrops on roses.
You love when I’m feeling sad.
You hate America and want to destroy it.
Why don’t you just move to Austria.

You are really a long, long way to run.
You hate warm woolen mittens.
You love when the dog bites.
You hate America and want to destroy it.
Why don’t you just move to Austria.

You are really a long, long way to run.
You hate whiskers on kittens.
You love when I’m feeling sad.
You hate America and want to destroy it.
Why don’t you just move to Austria.

It turns out that The Julie Andrews Inspired Mark Shea Evilness Diagnostic Generator has been around since 2009, but if you’d like to try your hand at it and are easily entertained, here it is.

P.S. - My commitment to truth in blogging compels me to admit that parts of this post were written by Oscar Hammerstein II.