You can’t tell the players without a program.

CNN anchor and possible Regis Philbin replacement Anderson Cooper is the son of Gloria Laura Morgan Vanderbilt, whom Wikipedia describes as “an American artist, author, actress, heiress, and socialite most noted as an early developer of designer blue jeans.” Her mother was Gloria Morgan Vanderbilt, whose identical twin sister Thelma was the mistress of the Prince of Wales. I am not making this up.

In addition to his auspicious beginning, Anderson Cooper has an older half-brother whose father was Leopold Stokowski, whom Gloria married in 1945, five years after he appeared along with Mickey Mouse, the Philadelphia Orchestra, and a whole host of animated co-stars that included ostriches, alligators, and hippopotamuses hippopotami in Walt Disney’s 1940 film, Fantasia. By “he” I mean Leopold Stokowski, not Anderson Cooper, who wasn’t born until 1967. In the interest of completeness and accuracy in reporting, I also need to tell you here that Leopold Stokowski was born in 1882, Regis Francis Xavier Philbin was born in 1931, Kathy Lee Gifford (née Epstein, her husband is Frank Gifford, a Hall of Fame former American football player and American sportscaster) was born in 1953, and Kelly Maria Ripa Consuelos, who met her husband Marc Consuelos when both were acting in the soap opera All My Children, was born in 1970. If you need to ask why (why I’m telling you these things, not why Kelly Ripa was born) you simply haven’t been paying enough attention to this celebrity-obsessed culture of ours.

You probably don’t have any idea who these two people are either.

(AP Photo by Jeff Christensen)

FYI, they are Scotty McCreery and Lauren Alaina, the winner and first runner-up, respectively, of the latest season of American Idol. He is 17 and hails from Garner, North Carolina. She is 16 and hails from Rossville, Georgia. If for any reason he is unable to complete his reign, she will take over his duties. American Idol is a scholarship pageant. Oh, wait, I’m thinking of something else.

This is why you read my blog. Where else would you find such fascinating, not to mention useful, information?

In other entertainment news, assisted suicide advocate Dr. Jack Kevorkian died today at the age of 83.

Just in case you think I’m insane, I want to tell you that there are some real nuts running around out there. For example, and with the help of the aforementioned Anderson Cooper, meet William Tapley.

One thing is sure. Little Gloria is happy at last.