Thursday, March 1, 2018

One of these things is not like the others

There's an old joke about an English teacher who knocked on a door and a little boy opened it. "Is your mother home?" the teacher asked, and the little boy replied, "She ain't here, she has went to the store." The teacher then asked, "Well, is your father home?" and the little boy replied, "He ain't here neither, he ain't never here no more, mister, my parents got a divorce." Astonished at what he was hearing, the English teacher said, "Son, where's your grammar?" "Oh, that's easy," replied the boy. "She's upstairs taking a bath."

I'm here to reveal at last that the little boy's grammar was not upstairs taking a bath. It was out and about and trying to drown its sorrows. I found the following list on Facebook, proving that once in a while Facebook can be funny, instructive, and actually good for something:

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a "bar."

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

A figure of speech walks into a bar and ends up getting literally hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

Alliteration ambles into a bar, alone as always, aiming at alcohol.

An ellipsis walks into a bar...

An exclamation mark storms into a bar!

I hope you enjoyed those as much as I did. Did you spot the one that was not like the others?


  1. I Loved the list. It was very clever. The Oxford comma statement threw me. I thought it was only used with three or more things.

    1. Emma, I’m glad you liked the list! There were three items: watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

  2. Ha-ha! I loved these. Of course I spotted the one that was different from the rest but I am not telling you.
    Another one:-
    A palindrome walks into a top spot.
    (I must confess that this is not by me)

    1. Yorkshire Pudding, thanks for not divulging the one that was different — it gives other readers a chance.

  3. Hahahaha highly entertaining! I do love wordplay, the malapropism one was my favourite, thank you for the chuckles sir *beams*

    1. All Consuming, a chuckle a day keeps the men in white coats away. You read it here first.

  4. I also loved the malapropisms.

  5. I started my lunch with your March 10th post but that was in danger of ruining my ability to digest. This post, on the other hand, was an absolute tonic. My brother and I are both Oxford Comma men and have spent a lot of time arguing the toss with one of his daughters who completely eschews them. In this case it was a very remissing Oxford comma. I like that word I've just concocted.