Even though the following (a) isn’t original with me and (b) has been around the block a few times already, it is too good not to share again:
Excerpts From a Dog’s Diary vs. Excerpts From a Cat’s Diary
Dog:
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - oooooooh. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE
Cat:
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture...tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in attempt to make them aware what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still lodged between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event, however, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my activities. Due to his current placement in the elevated cell his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
--Author Unknown
All too true.
ReplyDeleteI missed the block that this has been on. Thanks for posting it! Very hilarious!
ReplyDeleteHahahaha! Very good. Now we need one for the bird.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Snow, Jeannelle of Iowa, and New Zealand's Lady of the Horses, for your comments!
ReplyDeleteObviously written by a dog lover. I am a cat person myself. I notice that in the dog's diary he never mentioned anything about barking at all hours of the day and night, stinking fur after rain or exertion, fleas, vet bills, foul toilet habits or sniffing the rear ends of other hounds and the groins of visitors. Up The Cats!
ReplyDeleteYorkshire Pudding, you bring your own "cat person" point of view to your reading, of course, and I understand that, but I what I don't understand is how you can say the piece was OBVIOUSLY written by a dog lover. The writer was simply describing how dogs and cats seem to him or her. If anything, the piece makes cats seem intelligent and dogs stupid. Or dogs sweet and simple and cats conniving and devious. You can read it several ways. I'm not saying well what I'm intending to. I am just rather surprised that you said OBVIOUSLY.
ReplyDeleteI stand corrected Professor Brague. Thank you for your wise guidance.
ReplyDeleteY.P., you really know how to hurt a guy. LOL!
ReplyDelete