The New ABCs

Away with the horribly old-fashioned A is for apple, B is for ball, C is for cat. They’re too boring.

It makes more sense in today’s complex world to introduce our intellectually gifted, computer-literate, upwardly mobile children to the New ABCs, which have been specifically designed to prepare young sophisticates for the world of tomorrow:

A -- Avidly admiring Adelaide’s antiquated architecture, aspiring actor Alfie Armstrong, amused, ate an apple. Amanda Axelrod, Alfie’s aunt and an amateur architect, absentmindedly ate an apricot. Afterward, assorted apes and antelopes attacked Alfie, an absolutely awful alligator ate Aunt Amanda, and ants, always aggravating, ate apple-and-apricot appetizers.

B -- “Besides baking biscuits,” boasted blueblood billionaire bricklayer Benjy Bickerson breezily, “busy baby brother Bernard, bashful bachelor, broke broccoli, boiled bananas, blended batter, brewed beer, bought buttonhooks, bagged birdseed, befriended barking beagles, blew bubbles between Brooklyn’s bigger buildings, but borough’s better brokers blacklisted Bernard because baby brother belched before breakfast.”

C -- Clever Claudia Cornwall, collegiate carousel cleaner, coolly climbed Colorado’s classic crevices, clowning crazily, crying “Corral crustaceans! Collect cucumbers! Close Carlsbad Caverns!” continuously.

D -- Dizzy debutante Daphne Dingleberry, Denver’s dimpled darling, deftly drove dapper Daniel Doppelganger’s distinguished Dusenberg downtown during December Dental Days despite daily demonstrations denouncing defective dentifrice distribution.

E -- England’s elegant Evelyn Epworth, ermined, enrages eternally exquisite Elizabeth every Easter; even Elizabeth’s emotions explode eventually. Enraptured, Egyptologist Edward Emerson excavated emerald eucalyptus, evoking Evelyn’s ennui.

F -- Fresh from February’s fig festival, fertile French farmer Francois Français, feeling fine, flamboyantly fathered four following fun-filled fortnight frantically fighting Finnish flotilla fleeing Frankfurt’s fish-feeding frenzy fiasco.

G -- Gowned gorgeously, Gilda Gottlieb, Glendale's golden girl, greeted Gabriella Gildersleeve grandly. “Greetings!” giggled Gilda, gleefully giving Gabriella gangrenous glowworms. “Gracious! Gross! Ghastly! Gosh! Go!” gasped Gabriella, groaning. Gargling, Gabriella's goofy grandmother, Gloria Grambling, growled “Gesundheit!” girlishly.

and so on.

Want to give it a try?

P.S. -- Just for klahanie (Gary), who likes to start with the end and work backwards, here’s my offering for Zed, er, Zee:

Z -- “Zay!” zcreeched Zanzibar's zaniest zookeeper, Zelda Zymase, zending zebras zcurrying, “Zinfandel zertainly zounds zilly!”