What every English schoolboy knows.

I mean besides what Daphne posted about the other day.

The significance of the following photograph will become clear later.

(Photo copyright 2010 by Billy Hathorn, used here in accordance with GNU Free Documentation License)

What every English schoolboy knows is the list of English/British monarchs, naturally. Skip over it if you like, but you may miss something interesting. I gleaned all the information, as is my custom, from Wikipedia:

House of Mercia
1. Offa (774-796)

House of Wessex
1. (2) Egbert (802-839)
2. (3) Ethelwulf (839-856)
3. (4) Ethelbald (856-860)
4. (5) Ethelbehrt (860-865)
5. (6) Ethelred (865-871)
6. (7) Alfred the Great (871-899)
7. (8) Edward the Elder (899-924)
8. (9) Ethelstan the Glorious (924-939)
9. (10) Edmund the Magnificent (939-946)
10. (11) Eadred (946-955)
11. (12) Eadwig (955-959)
12. (13) Edward the Peaceful (959-975)
13. (14) Saint Edward the Martyr (975-978)
14. (15) Ethelred the Unready (978-1013) (first reign)

House of Denmark
1. (15) Sweyn Forkbeard (1013-1014)

House of Wessex (restored, first time)
1. (16) Ethelred the Ill-Advised (1014-1016) (second reign)
2. (17) Edmund Ironside (1016)

House of Denmark (restored)
1. (18) Canute (1016-1035)
2. (19) Harold Harefoot (1035-1040)
3. (20) Harthacnut (1040-1042)

House of Wessex (restored, second time)
4. (21) Saint Edward the Confessor (1042-1066)
5. (22) Harold Godwinson (1066)
6. (23) Edgar the Etheling (1066)

House of Normandy
1. (24) William I (1066-1087), also known as Guillaume le Bâtard (William the Bastard) and Guillaume le Conquérant (William the Conqueror)
2. (25) William II (1087-1100), also known as Guillaume le Roux (William Rufus)
3. (26) Henry I (1100-1135), also known as Henri Beauclerc (Henry Beauclerc)
4. (27) Stephen (1135-1154), also known as Étienne de Blois (Stephen of Blois)
5. (28) Matilda (1141), also known as Mathilde l'emperesse (Empress Matilda) (disputed claimant)
6. (29) Prince Eustace (1152-1153) (disputed claimant)

House of Plantaganet
1. (30) Henry II (1154-1189), also known as Henri Court-manteau (Henry Curtmantle)
2. (31) Henry the Young King (co-ruler with his father, 1170-1183), also known as Henri le Jeune Roy
3. (32) Richard I, 1189-1199, also known as Richard Cœur de Lion (Richard the Lionheart)
4. (33) John, 1199-1216, also known as Jean sans Terre (John Lackland)
5. (34) Louis the Lion, 1216-1217, also known as Louis VIII of France (disputed claimant)
6. (35) Henry III, 1216-1272, also known as Henry of Winchester
7. (36) Edward I, 1272-1307, also known as Longshanks
8. (37) Edward II, 1307-1327
9. (38) Edward III, 1327-1377 (born in Windsor Castle)
10. (39) Richard II, 1377-1399

House of Lancaster
1. (40) Henry IV, 1399-1413, also known as Bolingbroke
2. (41) Henry V, 1413-1422
3. (42) Henry VI, 1422-1461 (first reign)

House of York
1. (43) Edward IV, 1461-1470 (first reign)

House of Lancaster (restored)
1. (44) Henry VI, 1470-1472 (second reign)

House of York (restored)
1. (45) Edward IV, 1471-1483 (second reign)
2. (46) Edward V, 1483
3. (47) Richard III, 1483-1485)

House of Tudor
1. (48) Henry VII, 1485-1509
2. (49) Henry VIII, 1509-1547
3. (50) Edward VUm 1547-1553
4. (51) Lady Jane Grey, 1553, also known as The Nine Days Queen (disputed claimant)
5. (52) Mary I, 1553-1558, also known as Bloody Mary
6. (53) Philip (husband of Mary), 1554-1558
7. (54) Elizabeth I, 1558-1603, also known as The Virgin Queen

House of Stuart
1. (55) James I, 1603-1625, also known as The Peacemaker King; he was also James VI of Scotland
2. (56) Charles I, 1625-1649

Commonwealth
Between the execution of Charles I in 1649 and the Restoration of Charles II in 1660, there was no reigning monarch. Instead, from 1653 the following individuals held power as Lords Protector, during the period known as the Protectorate.

1. Oliver Cromwell, 1653-1658, also known as Old Ironsides
2. Richard Cromwell, 1658-1659

House of Stuart (restored)
1. (57) Charles II, 1660-1685
2. (58) James II, 1685-1688

Students, you will get extra credit for the course if you pause here to read about The Glorious Revolusion of 1688, when Parliament finally asserted the right to choose whomsoever it pleased as monarch.

3. (59) Mary II, 1689-1695
4. (60) William III, 1689-1702, also known as William of Orange
5. (61) Anne, 1702-1714

In 1707, under the Acts of Union, England and Scotland were united as a single sovereign state, the Kingdom of Great Britain. Anne became its first sovereign, while continuing to hold the separate crown of Queen of Ireland and the title of Queen of France.

House of Hanover
1. (62) George I, 1714-1727
2. (63) George II, 1727-1760
3. (64) George III, 1760-1820

It was during the reign of George III that the American colonies declared their independence from Great Britain.

4. (65) George IV, 1820-1830
5. (66) William IV, 1830-1837
6. (67) Victoria, 1837-1901

House of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha
1. (68) Edward VII, 1901-1910

The house name Windsor was adopted in 1917, during the First World War. It was changed from Saxe-Coburg-Gotha because of wartime anti-German sentiment in the United Kingdom.

House of Windsor
1. (69) George V, 1910-1936
2. (70) Edward VIII, 1936 (abdicated)
3. (71) George VI, 1936-1952
4. (72) Elizabeth II, 1952-present

[end of list]

The current occupant of the White House, Barack Hussein Obama, is the 44th President of the United States. Britain’s 44th ruler, Henry VI, reigned from 1470 until 1472. You Brits (this is directed at you who are Brits) have several centuries lead on us with 72 monarchs and two Lords Protector.

I can’t even imagine what being a schoolboy in China must be like, where there have been (according to trusty old Wikipedia) 557 emperors. Here is a partial list of Chinese monarchs beginning way back in 2852 B.C.

It occurred to me that England’s second king named Ethelred, shown in the list as Ethelred the Unready (978-1013) and Ethelred the Ill-Advised (1014-1016), was England’s version of Grover Cleveland. Grover served as both the 22nd President of the U.S. (1885-1889) and the 24th President of the U.S. (1893-1897). Benjamin Harrison, who was a grandson of William Henry Harrison, the ninth President of the U.S., was 23rd President of the U.S. from 1889 until 1893, separating Grover Cleveland’s two terms. England’s version of Benjamin Harrison was one Sweyn Forkbeard (1013-1014), the son of Harald Bluetooth and Gyrid Olafsdottir and the husband of both Gunhild of Wenden and Sigrid the Haughty. I am not making this up. Check it out for yourself.

You could probably make a good argument that Grover Cleveland was also both unready and ill-advised, but I don’t know whether you could argue that Benjamin Harrison was Sweyn Forkbeard. Analogies go only so far before they fall apart.

It could also be argued that people in the British Isles have been getting Offa since the year 774.

Sharp-eyed readers may also notice that King Arthur appears nowhere in the list. If you want to read about him you will have to go elsewhere.

Did I ever tell you that through my paternal great-grandmother, Bloomy Jane Cleveland Johnson (1840-1913), I am related to Grover Cleveland? Well, I am. We are distant cousins. Very distant. He died 33 years before I was born.

If you are not yet completely exhausted from reading, you can learn more about him here.

A word to the wise: If you take everything you learned or could have learned in this post and $1.40 (plus tax if applicable) to your local Waffle House, you will be able to purchase a cup of hot java, either regular or decaffeinated, your choice.

The economy is so bad that...

HOW BAD IS IT????

(These are not original with me; I am indebted to my friend Carolyn S. for forwarding them to me.)


Things are so bad that:

I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Motel Six has turned the light off.

A picture is now worth only 200 words.

They changed the name of Wall Street to Wal-Mart Street.

When I called the Suicide Hotline, I got a call center in Pakistan.

When I told them I was suicidal, they got excited and asked if I could drive a truck....


Note. In the comments, Shooting Parrots listed two more good ones:

The Suicide Hotline now calls me. Collect.

I get emails from Nigeria saying a long lost relative has left me two goats and a bag of beads.

Al Gore has gone too far this time

An article this week in The Guardian begins, “It may not rank as the most compelling reason to curb greenhouse gases, but reducing our emissions might just save humanity from a pre-emptive alien attack, scientists claim.”

Let me say that again, this time adding emphasis where it truly belongs: “It may not rank as the most compelling reason to curb greenhouse gases, but reducing our emissions might just save humanity from a pre-emptive alien attack, scientists claim.”

Let us suppress our looks of astonishment and forge ahead.

Here’s the entire article, but in case you don’t want to read the whole thing, let me summarize.

A man named Shawn Domagal-Goldman of NASA’s Planetary Science Division and his colleagues at Pennsylvania State University have compiled a list of plausible outcomes that could unfold in the aftermath of a close encounter with Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence (ETI), to help humanity “prepare for actual contact”.

In a report entitled “Would Contact with Extraterrestrials Benefit or Harm Humanity? A Scenario Analysis”, the researchers divide alien contacts into three broad categories: beneficial, neutral or harmful.

Let’s skip over the beneficial and neutral scenarios and get right to the good scary stuff. Here is an excerpt from the Guardian article:

........While aliens may arrive to eat, enslave or attack us,
........the report adds that people might also suffer from being
........physically crushed or by contracting diseases carried by
........the visitors. In especially unfortunate incidents,
........humanity could be wiped out when a more advanced
........civilisation accidentally unleashes an unfriendly
........artificial intelligence, or performs a catastrophic
........physics experiment that renders a portion of the galaxy
........uninhabitable.

........To bolster humanity’s chances of survival, the researchers
........call for caution in sending signals into space, and in
........particular warn against broadcasting information
........about our biological make-up, which could be used to
........manufacture weapons that target humans. Instead,
........any contact with ETs should be limited to mathematical
........discourse “until we have a better idea of the type of ETI
........we are dealing with.”

........The authors warn that extraterrestrials may be wary of
........civilisations that expand very rapidly, as these may
........be prone to destroy other life as they grow, just as
........humans have pushed species to extinction on Earth.
........In the most extreme scenario, aliens might choose to
........destroy humanity to protect other civilisations.

........“A preemptive strike would be particularly likely in
........ the early phases of our expansion because a civilisation
........may become increasingly difficult to destroy as it
........continues to expand. Humanity may just now be entering
........the period in which its rapid civilisational expansion
........could be detected by an ETI because our expansion
........is changing the composition of the Earth’s atmosphere,
........via greenhouse gas emissions,” the report states.

........“Green” aliens might object to the environmental
........damage humans have caused on Earth and wipe us out to
........save the planet. “These scenarios give us reason to
........limit our growth and reduce our impact on global
........ecosystems. It would be particularly important for us to
........limit our emissions of greenhouse gases, since atmospheric
........composition can be observed from other planets,”
........the authors write.

[end of excerpt]

Yes, you read that correctly. It is particularly important for us to limit our emissions of greehouse gases because atmospheric composition can be observed from other planets.

So we are probably doomed. At best, we must live with a certain fearful looking for the invasion to begin. This is what happens when an entire generation of scientists grows up watching Star Trek on television.

Sharp-eyed readers will note that throughout this post I have retained the British spellings and punctuations from the original article. Personally, I think the conclusions drawn are the logical result of putting periods and commas outside quotation marks and spelling civilization with an s instead of a z. And Al Gore, of course.

If Klingons come, can Romulans be far behind?

(Sorry, folks, this is not a photograph of an actual alien. It is a scene from a movie called Mars Attacks.)

For my 800th post...

I have decided to dispense with words and savor the moment.

Take a deep breath. Hold it for a second. Let it out slowly.

Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I know what let’s do.

Let’s have another relaxing ride with Daniel Barlow! (8:30). (Don’t forget to right-click your mouse at the beginning and select Enter Full Screen.)

There, now. Let’s take a little poll. Rate the scenery in the video on a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is Spectacular, 5 is Nice, but it’s not Myrtle Beach and 1 is What scenery? I feared for my life and just wanted to get back to civilization in one piece!

I found the views breathtaking, but I must admit the old tension seems to have returned.

Lance Armstrong I am not

I didn’t realize what a wimp I am until I saw this video of Daniel Barlow (Putz’s son) riding his mountain bike on the Flume Trail Downhill in Ephraim Canyon, Utah (5:06).

It is scary as all get out.

And yes, it really is Putz’s son leading the way. I quote from Daniel’s blog:

“This is the video of me riding my mountain bike down on my hometown trail. My brother was a on motorbike behind me video taping me. I didn’t know he was taping me at all until he told me down at the bottom. I was showing him and his two boys some trails in Ephraim Canyon. If I’d knew [sic] he was taping me, I would get all nervous and wreck all over the place! I didn’t do too bad, did I? I love this trail. By the way, I did some of the trail work, like that big bridge right at first. Still holding up! I’ve overheard someone saying it was built by the Army Corps. of Engineers! I should be proud of myself!”

I said in a comment, “Is this really you, Daniel? Dude! It is some scary biking to this easterner’s eyes! At 4:36 it changes to a different bike and a different, smaller rider wearing a brown jacket. What’s with that?”

And Daniel replied, “Well, I was leading my brother and his two boys (they were on motor bikes and I was on a mountain bike) on this trail. They’ve never ridden the trail before and I have and that’s why I was in front. Yeah, I have ridden in the east before and in the west, there’s some scary mountain trails!”

I will now make a confession (forgive me, Snow, it’s been 70 years since my last confession). Here goes:

I never learned how to ride a bicycle. But even if I had, I don’t think I would be attempting the Flume Trail Downhill in Ephraim, Utah. Before I would do so much as walk on that trail, let alone ride a bike, guard rails would have to be installed along its entire length.

My admiration for Daniel Barlow knows no bounds. I am in awe.

I dare you to watch that video again without wincing at the narrowness of the trail and the number of sheer drops into the canyon. This time before you start, though, right-click your mouse on the screen and select Enter Full Screen to see it even better.

Imagma that!

Our old friend Putz in Utah took his family on a weekend trip to Sun Valley, Idaho, recently so that his son Daniel could do some bike riding on some awesome trails. On the way, they stopped at Craters of the Moon National Monument and looked at some lava deposits.

Here, in his own inimitable style, is Putz's account of his stay among the idahonians. (A hint to first-time readers of Putz: Just ignore his unique spelling and punctuation and read between the lines to get the full impact.)

Reading Putz’s and Daniel’s posts and seeing Daniel’s pictures reminded me of Otto Hlava, a Czech-American guy I used to work with down in Florida. After I had known him for a few months, I made up the following riddle:

Q. What is Hlava?

A. What comes out of a Hvolcano.

Otto didn’t think it was nearly as funny as I did.

P.S. to Putz: I hope this makes up in some small way for your having been dropped by sissy.

When old-timers say 3-holer, they generally mean something else

In a comment on my post entitled “I was thinking of ending the blog” Elizabeth said, “But...but...does this mean that the world will now never get to see your collection of hand-knitted tea cosies or hear your recipe for Pineapple upside down cake? Shucks....”

I replied that the tea cosies would remain our little secret and said in so many words that my pineapples are always in a more-or-less upright position, but I promised to post the recipe for Three-Holer Cake.

Making one is a great way to introduce a child or grandchild to cooking. Without further ado, here it is:

Three-Holer Cake

1-1/2 cups sifted flour
1 cup sugar
3 Tbsp. cocoa, unsweetened
1 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
1/3 cup canola oil
1 Tbsp. vinegar
1 tsp. vanilla
1 cup cold water

Measure flour, sugar, cocoa, soda, and salt into sifter; sift twice.
Sift all into an ungreased 9-inch square baking pan.

Make 3 holes; put canola oil in one, vinegar in second, and
vanilla in in third. Pour water over all. Mix with a fork until
blended and batter is thin. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes, no more. Cake is so moist it doesn’t need frosting.

[Editor’s Note. But nine out of ten grandchildren agree: Chocolate frosting is always good. --RWP]