STOP THE PRESSES!! I'm not normal

Vice President Pence and his Coronavirus Task Force (CTF or CVTF, take your pick) have been appearing daily on the telly to remind us to cover our mouths when we cough (or to cough into our elbows); to use a tissue when we sneeze (and then throw it away); and to wash, wash, wash our hands (with SOAP and WATER for AT LEAST 20 SECONDS). They also give us updates on the number of new cases of COVID-19 and the number of deaths due to it. I'm certainly glad to get the reminders, because without them I would cough into my ankle, keep and probably frame all the used tissues, and wash my hands with prune juice for hours on end.

I'm kidding. I usually wash my hands with orange juice.

Don't get me wrong. I do appreciate the efforts of the powers that be to give us accurate information and prevent panic among the public unless it is warranted, which they keep assuring us it isn't. But the members of the media seem hell-bent on making all 350 million of us run out to buy toilet paper, bread, milk, face masks -- you know, the basic necessities of life. But when one of the chief cooks and bottle washers doctors, an otherwise very nice 60-ish man sporting a beard and wearing glasses and possessing a couple of advanced degrees, was asked by a reporter yesterday to identify the groups really at risk, he said something that really got my goat, got my dander up, ticked me off big-time, and made me rather angry, actually.

I wish I could quote him exactly but I'm going to have to paraphrase. There are two groups who will be most affected by COVID-19, he said, young children whose immune defense systems have not yet been fully developed and the elderly, especially if they are infirm or have serious health issues already involving the heart or lungs. He defined elderly as 80 or older. I'm okay with that. Then he said, "Normal people like you and me don't have to worry" or “don’t need to be concerned” or something not only inane but downright insulting.

We are a two-person household. One of us is 84 and the other will be 79 in a couple of weeks. The one who will be 79 is the one with existing health issues, specifically coronary artery disease and the current possessor of five stents. The one who is 84 has had two artificial knees made of titanium for 13 years now, which fact allows us to have a tag to hang from the car's rear-view mirror that permits us to park in handicapped parking spaces, but that is different in my book from being infirm.

I'm okay with being called elderly. I'm okay with having health issues. They eventually happen to many of us, even 60-ish doctors who sport beards and have advanced degrees.

What I'm not okay with -- actually I resent -- is being told I am not normal.

I'm normal. I wash my hands with soap and water every day without being told to and I have not framed a used tissue for quite some time.

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like George Clooney. He just gets to do it more often than I do.

I used to use Burt Reynolds in that joke, but since he died he doesn't put on pants any more.

If you prefer to say Leonardo DiCaprio or Kanye West or even Mayor Pete Buttigieg, feel free.

We normal people have to stick together.

Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden need not apply.

This used to be a historic day

...but it isn't any more.

George Washington was inaugurated as the first president of the United States on April 30, 1789, but all other presidential inaugurations occurred on March 4 through the first inauguration of our 32nd president, Franklin D. Roosevelt on March 4, 1933. Soon afterwards, the 20th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution changed the date to January 20, on which date they (presidential inaugusrations) have occurred ever since.

March 4th is not any more important nowadays than, say, August 19th.

So much for historical minutiae.

On with the show.

I said the other day that I would try not to draw inspiration for future posts from the comments section of earlier posts, but yesterday's was just so darned inspirational I have disabused myself of that notion, at least temporarily. Besides, I consider it my solemn duty to keep you informed if you are the sort of reader who never bothers to comment or look at the comments of others. You know who you are.

Graham Edwards, who lives in Eagleton Township seven miles from the town of Stornoway on the Isle of Lewis in the Outer Hebrides, a remote area of Scotland, took me to task for advocating the making of a soup other than ab initio as he called it (Latin for "from scratch", loosely translated). I am chastened. I have been put in my place culinarily speaking by a higher order of being.

Bonnie from Missouri thought the soup sounded good and said she was all for a meal that is quick and easy (take that, Graham Edwards!) but then changed subjects and started talking about the Democratic primary. To be fair, I did mention Joe Biden in the post. Yesterday was Super Tuesday on which 14 states held primaries, and according to some it is now all over but the shouting. According to others, the fun is just beginning and will culminate in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, in July at the brokered-or-not Democratic convention. Georgia's presidential primary is not until March 24th. For those of you in other countries, the purpose of a primary is to choose delegates to a political party's national convention based on which candidate they support.

Red in Alberta or Saskatchewan or wherever he is pointed out that I had included ideas for six other posts in the first six sentences of the post. It tires me out just thinking about how unthinkingly creative I am (Note to self: Remember that Mama always said, "Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back."). I told Red not to hold his breath as my posts are not planned but spring full-grown like Athena from the forehead of Zeus.

Alphie Soup took issue with me for calling it a 5-can soup but then saying in a postscript that there were six cans. Alphie Soup is a sharp-eyed reader and also a higher being on the order of Graham Edwards, but I'm not complaining. I need all the readers I can get.

Kathy in Virginia said my post made her laugh and wished my grandson a happy belated birthday although I think she meant a belated happy birthday.

Yorkshire Pudding, irascible as ever, left a recipe of his own, which I now share with you, my non-comment-reading friends:

BEANS ON TOAST
1. Open can of Heinz baked beans.
2. Heat the beans in a pan or microwave.
3. Toast bread.
4. Butter toast.
5. Put toast on plate.
6. Put baked beans on the toast.
7. Eat the beans on toast.

This is not so much a recipe as it is an elementary flowchart one would be asked to create on the first day of computer programming class.

Some of you will recall that at the end of the post in question, I stopped myself from bidding you a fondue and bid you a fond adieu instead.

This time I will do something completely different. I bid you all a...

and if you are wondering, I just bid you all a Fonda do.

A final question: Do you enjoy these summaries of reader comments or should I find a new hobby?

Having the blahs

The skies are overcast, the day is dreary, and a cold rain is beginning to fall. I am completely uninspired today.

I could tell you that today, March 2nd, is Texas Independence Day but I have done that in other years.

Or I could tell you about the big black dog, probably Labrador, that has been appearing in our yard for the last few days, but I am hoping it will go away. Quietly.

Or I could tell you that my flower beds are in dire need of pinestraw now that spring is almost here, but I don't want to have to think about that right now.

Or I could tell you that it is my youngest grandson's birthday today, that he is 19 and nearly finished his first year at university, but that would be self-indulgent.

I could quote to you from Robert Browning's Song From Pippa Passes and tell you "God's in His heaven; all's right with the world."

But the world at present is reeling from the rapidly spreading threat of the coronavirus; Turkey's President Erdogan is letting all sorts of refugees, Syrian and otherwise, go through his country on their way to Greece and other parts of Europe who don't want them; and Joe Biden just won the Democratic Party primary in South Carolina, so nothing looks hopeful in those areas.

I think I'll go out in the garden and eat worms.

Oh, speaking of food, Mrs. RWP saw an interesting and easy-to-make recipe for soup on an insert in our monthly electric bill. She made it and it is DELICIOUS!

If you must know, it is called "5 can soup" and the ingredients are one can of Progresso ready-to-serve Minestrone soup, one can of black beans (drained and rinsed), one can of whole corn, one can of mixed vegetables, and one can of petite diced tomatoes.

That's it. You mix all the ingredients together in a pot and heat on medium heat until warm. Serve topped with shredded cheddar cheese and sour cream, to taste. It makes about six very hearty-sized servings, so that is three meals for the two of us. I was always good at math.

And that's it. No preparation required other than opening the five cans and remembering to drain and rinse the black beans. Serve with a few saltine crackers and you're set.

Dear God, my blog has been reduced to handing out recipes.

P.S. - The recipe said that adding a tablespoon of salsa in the soup was optional. We opted not to.

P.P.S. - In retrospect, how six cans of ingredients yields only six bowls of soup is beyond me and even a little bit scary, but that is what heppened.

I hope my next post will be a bit more fun, engaging your mind with fascinating subjects, stirring your senses with unexpected delight, provoking your gray matter with new possibilities.

Until then, I bid you a fondue fond adieu.

Now go forth and multiply make soups of your own.

Loose ends tied while-u-wait, or Rhymeswithplague cannot leave well enough alone

Everything I say in this post except the part about Joe Biden was prompted by comments left by readers on the previous post, "Life is not a bowl of cherries."

1. I am indebted to Bonnie from Missouri for telling me about a song called “Life Is Just A Cher O’Bowlies” as I had never heard of it or the group that recorded it, The Blues Magoos. Here it is:

Life Is Just A Cher O’ Bowlies
(sung by The Blues Magoos on their 1967 album Electric Comic Book)

Rain rain from the sky
In my magic land
It isn't rain or rain at all
Though all is coming down

All that's coming from the sky
Is tons and tons of frum
This may seem mighty strange
And comical to boot

Life is just a Cher O' Bowlies
Life is just a Cher O' Bowlies

Whats the use of singing this song
Some of you aren't even listening

Life is just a Cher O' Bowlies
Life is just a Cher O' Bowlies

Thank you

(end of song)

I just know in my heart of hearts that the Cher mentioned in the song’s title is none other than Cherilyn Sarkisian LaPiere Bono Allman because by 1967 the song she recorded in 1965 with Sonny Bono, “I Got You, Babe”, had been played more than 40,000,000 times. I looked it up.

I had never encountered the word “frum” before so I looked it up too. I learned that it is a Yiddish adjective that means 'religious'' or 'pious' and connotes the observance of Jewish religious law in a way that often exceeds its bare requirements. This includes the careful study of Torah, daily prayers, observing Shabbat (Sabbath) and performing deeds of loving-kindness. I learned also that “frum” can be used in a negative sense for 'hypocritically pious', 'holier-than-thou', and 'sanctimonious’ or in a positive sense for 'pious', 'devout', 'God-fearing', and 'upright'.

Unfortunately, we cannot know which sense The Blues Magoos meant "frum" in their song, "Life Is Just A Cher O' Bowlies" so thanks a lot, Bonnie from Missouri.

If you cannot possibly live another minute without hearing the song performed and are okay with losing two minutes, 36 seconds of your life that you will never get back, click here.

2. Breitbart.com (a website some people like and others abhor) published the following story on Tuesday:

BRAIN FREEZE: JOE BIDEN SAYS HE’S ‘CANDIDATE FOR THE UNITED STATES SENATE’

Former Vice President Joe Biden made yet another gaffe Monday, saying in a South Carolina campaign speech that he is a “candidate for the United States Senate” and that people could “vote for the other Biden” if he is not their preferred presidential candidate.

“My name is Joe Biden. I’m a Democratic candidate for the United States Senate. Look me over, if you like what you see, help out. If not, vote for the other Biden,” the 77-year-old said in his remarks at the First in the South Dinner, according to a video that has gone viral on Twitter.

The pair of confusing statements comes as Democrat primary candidates will debate Tuesday evening in Charleston. The Palmetto State will head to the polls for its primary contest on Saturday, where Biden hopes to use his “firewall” to blunt Sen. Bernie Sanders’s (I-VT) momentum after winning the Nevada caucuses. Earlier this month, the Vermont senator won the New Hampshire primary and took the popular vote in Iowa. A Public Policy Polling survey released Monday shows Biden with 36 percent of support, while Sanders is trailing in second at 21 percent.

Biden is no stranger to making confusing statements on the campaign trail. Biden referred to New Hampshire as Nevada on the night of the Granite State’s primary. The incident was one of several in which he has appeared confused about the city or state that’s he’s campaigning in.

Appearing Thursday at a CNN town hall event, Biden said deceased son Beau Biden, who served as the Attorney General of Delaware, was the U.S. Attorney General.

(end of story)

You are free to draw your own conclusions. On Wednesday the news was that in Tuesday night's Democratic presidential candidates debate in Charleson, South Carolina, Joe Biden said that over 150 MILLION people had been killed by guns since 2007. Assuming that he was referring to the United States of America, the actual number is closer to 150 THOUSAND (loyal Democrats who want to believe Mr. Biden should note that 150 MILLION is almost half the population of the entire U.S. —- or put another way, if California, Texas, Florida, New York, Pennsylvania, Illinois, Ohio, and half of Georgia were gone, somebody would have noticed). Candidates come and candidates go, but the king of gaffes apparently goes on forever.

3. Another reader, Kathy from Virginia, said that her husband often quotes lines from Shakespeare's Macbeth and then says, "Terence, this is stupid stuff."

Without looking it up, do you know who wrote that and what work it is from?

I do. It’s from a collection of poems called A Shropshire Lad by A. E. Housman that was published in 1896 in England. Some of the better-known poems in the collection are “When I Was One-and-Twenty”, “With Rue My Heart Is Laden”, and “Loveliest Of Trees The Cherry Now”.

Thank you, Mr. D. P. Morris, my high-school English teacher.

Kethy herself allowed as how she prefers Psalm Of Life, which is by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, which she neglected to mention.

4. Yorkshire Pudding said, "How can you look on the bright side of life when’s you have no home or when you have contracted the coronavirus or when your dog just died or when you you were just mugged by a crazy drug addict? I wish life was a bowl of cherries but it clearly isn't."

5. In response to my having said in the post that a saying attributed by many to Voltaire was actually made by historian Peter Gay, reader Graham Edwards (who lives in the town of Stornaway on the Isle of Lewis in the Outer Hebrides of Scotland, did you know that?) said, "Voltaire seems to be popping up everywhere recently. I always preferred his view of life and whatever is is best rather than Nietzsche's." I must resond to Graham's response.

The saying that many incorrectly attribute to Voltaire is "Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats." According to the quoteinquisitor.com website, Voltaire did employ the shipwreck metaphor in his letters; for example, in 1760 he wrote: "Comptez que le monde est un grand naufrage, et que la devise des hommes est, sauve qui peut." because Voltaire was French. One possible translation is, "The world is one great shipwreck: and man’s motto, “Save yourself if you can.” Voltaire’s remark did not mention lifeboats or singing; thus, his tone was quite different.

In Voltaire's book Candide the character Dr. Pangloss viewed every situation with extreme, possibly even naive optimism and taught that we live in the best of all possible worlds. Candide is devastating satire that ridicules the idea that everything works out for the best and that we live in the best of all possible worlds. I know that St. Paul wrote in his letter to the Romans that all things work together for good to them that love God and are the called according to His purpose, but that is not exactly the same thing as saying we live in the best of all possible worlds or that what is is best.

This post is quite long enough and I promise (a) not to write another post this long any time in the near future and (b) to refrain as best as I can from using my own comment stream as fodder and inspiration for future posts. This time I simply couldn't help myself..

P.S. -- On a personal note, today is the birthday of my favorite cousin Dr. Philip F. Caracena (1935-2016). RIP, Philip..

Life is not a bowl of cherries

I thought of another pet peeve: People who say prostrate when what they should have said is prostate.

It's just my personal opinion, but I don't think there are many places outside of a doctor's office where the word a person should have said is prostate.

Moving right along...

Erma Bombeck (1927-1996) was a woman from Ohio who is best known for her humorous newspaper columns and 15 books, most of which became best-sellers if Wikipedia is to be believed.

I don't know about the insides of her books, but some of her titles are very humorous. They include:

I Lost Everything in the Post-Natal Depression (1974)
The Grass Is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank (1976)
Motherhood: The Second Oldest Profession (1983)
If You Look Like Your Passport Photo, It's Time To Go Home (1991)

We will not be going down any of those particular rabbit trails today, but what you choose to do in the privacy of your own home in your spare time is entirely up to you, of course.

The rabbit trail we have chosen for today is Erma Bombeck's 1978 title, If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?

When I said Erma Bombeck is best-known for her humorous newspaper columns I didn't mean that the newspapers were humorous, I meant that her columns were humorous and appeared in newspapers. By the way, where else would columns appear? Magazines have articles; newspapers have columns. Do I have to explain everything to you?

Getting back to cherries, way back in 1931 Lew Brown and Ray Henderson wrote a song called "Life Is Just a Bowl of Cherries" that went like this:

Life is just a bowl of cherries;
Don't make it serious;
Life's too mysterious.
You work, you save, you worry so,
But you can't take your dough when you go, go, go.
So keep repeating it's the berries;
The strongest oak must fall.
The sweet things in life
To you were just loaned,
So how can you lose what you've never owned?
Life is just a bowl of cherries,
So live and laugh at it all.

I think Messrs. Brown and Henderson were delusional. In 1931 Herbert Hoover was presiding over a deepening Great Depression. The stock market had crashed two years earlier. Banks were failing right and left. The dust bowl was just about to appear over the horizon. Life is just a bowl of cherries? Seriously?

I have thunk and thunk on the subject (you would probably say thought and thought but this is my blog) and it is my considered opinion that life is not a bowl of cherries.

What is life exactly?

Those of you are tempted to tell me that Voltaire said, “Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats” will be stunned to learn that it was historian Peter Gay who said that, not Voltaire, according to the quoteinvestigator.com website.

St. James said, or at least he would have if he had spoken English of the King James variety, “What is your life? It is even a vapour that appeareth for a little time and then vanisheth away.”

William Shakespeare put the following into the mouth of Macbeth, in iambic pentameter yet: “Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player, / That struts and frets his hour upon the stage, / And then is heard no more. It is a tale / Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, / Signifying nothing.”

Perhaps things are not quite that dire.

Or maybe they are, but we can amuse ourselves in the meantime by reading books by Erma Bombeck.

That advice from 1931 is worth considering.

Live and laugh at it all.

Pet peeves

In no particular order, but I will number them for easy reference in the comments:

1. People who add a syllable to mischievous so that it rhymes with devious (saying mis-CHEE-vee-us when it should be MIS-chiv-us).

2. People who say a-PLIK-able instead of APP-luh-kuh-bul.

3. People who say ir-re-VOKE-able instead of ir-REV-uh-kuh-bul.

4. Big-bellied men whose big bellies stick out over their pants and belt.

(Note to Britishers: On this side of the pond pants means trousers. Note to Americans: Britishers think pants means underpants. General note to everyone: Australians say skivvies, at least my stepmother's friend Big Dorothy did 60 years ago. I don't know what Australians say now. Maybe back then they had heard American sailors say skivvies during and after the second World War, as in "Baby, I'll show you a good time if you slip off them skivvies. Here, have some nylons". My dad, who grew up in Iowa and also served in the U.S. Navy, said skivvies, but as far as I know he was never in Australia.)

If all hearts and minds are now clear, I will continue.

5. People who leave their dog's poop on the sidewalk.

6. Drivers who follow too closely.

7. People who talk out loud in theaters (British, theatres).

8. Drivers who, when the lanes ahead are merging, rush past everyone and try to break in line near the front.

9. Drivers who proceed out of turn at a four-way stop sign.

10. People who pronounce the silent L in palm and salmon and almond.

11. People who turn plurals into possessives by inserting an apostrophe where it doesn't belong.

I'm sure I'll think of others.

Britishers say DEB-ree and Americans say duh-BREE, but that doesn't bother me. Neither does luh-BOR-uh-tree for LAB-ruh-tory.

One guy I used to work with said pacific instead of specific, but he was a doofus who was only mildly irritating.

People who do not put the subject of a gerund in the possessive case are borderline, but I forgive them because they probably know not what they do. I give them a pass as well.

There was a girl in my class growing up back in Texas who said Gal-VES-ton intead of GAL-ves-ton and Miz-riz instead of Missus (although there is historical precedent for Miz-riz because Mrs. is short for Mistress), but she was the prettiest girl in the class, with dark hair and eyes, and all the boys drooled over her, so she gets a pass. She was an only child and inherited her family's land and married well to boot and became hands down the wealthiest member of our graduating class. I haven't thought about her for years until this post.

What are some of your pet peeves? Do not say its/it's, their/there/they're, or your/you're as they have been overdone. Grammar in general is discouraged.

P.S. - Misuse of who and whom drive me crazy, although I never correct anyone, ever. I may devote a whole post to the use of who and whom. Then again, I may not.

Update on Abby

The vet's office called this morning with the lab report on Abby's tumor. It was a histo-something-or-other and was benign. She is good to go but won't have the stitches removed until Feb. 24th. If she licks them too much in the meantime and the area around them begins to redden, the area could get infected. The vet recommended that we buy one of those cone-shaped Elizabethan-type collar thingies if that happens. We are hoping it will not be necessary.

With apologies in advance to Yorkshire Pudding, who will be offended, the resemblance is truly remarkable.

The doggie model is not Abby, it is an Australian kelpie, which prompts me to give a shout out to all readers from the Land of Oz.